Heya back!

First off, thanks for not judging. I really appreciate that so much!

Yeah I keep trying to tell myself that but it's hard since I know why he's not with her and all those things could easily be changed. And he has slept with her early on in our relationship (that's one of the things I found out) and I think that's my I cheated, to make myself feel like. He use to take me around her, before I knew exactly what she was to him, in order to make her jealous (I guess that worked.) :/

Your boyfriend has very good points and all I could apply those to my boyfriend. He has expressed to me recently how he feels as if he isn't doing his part as a boyfriend--providing for me like he would like.

We did talk about it and that's what I was thinking, but we both acknowledged that there was love between us. I think I'm just stressing over the fact that he was able to tell all the other girls before me easily before a year into the relationship and he stills tells his ex he loves her but I've never heard him say it to anyone else even his mom! Being the first where he wants to wait to say it is difficult. But I do know, well feel, deep down that he does or something-I just wonder if it's romantic or more like someone you just care about a lot, you know? Oh, and I haven't cheated since then (which is huge for me lol) and a lot more things have happened to the point where I should've broken up with him because how messed up they were, but he's the one always trying to break off the relationship...and I think it's too easy for him like he does it over little things that are really like, "What?!? Really?!? That's your reason?!?!". UGh let me stop I feel like I'm just venting now lol. I felt wrong and bad when I did it the first time and the second time before it got that far, I felt so disgusting to myself that I relapsed into self-mutilation( I was a cutter) and that made me hate myself anymore. As odd as it is while gospel music can be uplifting for most people, when I'm in a dark state of mind it makes me that much worst, like just a reminder of how bad I've failed myself and everyone around me with the things I've done, how much I've failed at life.

I try to take it one day at a time, but some days, even weeks, are hard to get through and we don't see each other often. I try to keep myself busy so I won't think too much. My mood changes depending on the weather..really sucks I have a lot to fight against to stay optimistic.

I wish I had someone to talk to about this but I don't so thanks you again for your feedback and even to those who have took the time to read it. It means a lot just to know someone cared at least that much.