This is such a big burden to carry in your mind. Please seek out help. I have spent many decades living with the aftermath of csa, and I can tell you that you can push it away, but it's always there waiting to be dealt with.

Possible people to reach out to could be your school counselor, a teacher you trust, a minister, a doctor, etc. As a teacher, I can tell you that we are trained to offer support and seek out help for those who are hurting.

((((Hugs!))))
Bluemountains