I'm feeling so yuck tonight. I'm so worried about my work performance and what people think of me. I just want to give up at the moment. I'm so unhappy. Here it is, Friday night, and I'm sitting here all by myself because I have no friends to do anything with. Every friend I ever get I end up getting scared of anyway. They are never good enough and never right anyway. I don't deserve friends. Even if I had friends to do stuff with the stupid illness keeps me from doing anything. I feel bad no matter what I do. Always having to live up to all my rules and expectations and do's and don'ts. I'm sick of doing things that I don't even enjoy doing. Being places that I don't even want to be. All because of fear. It stinks. I'm alone and it's my fault because I am so dang indecisive and afraid. I've had a gut full of myself and I'm disgusted with who I am.
If anyone tells me off for being so negative....well all I can say is me sitting here saying this stuff is better than lying and acting like I'm not thinking this way. I am upset with my life. I feel like a failure. Feel pathetic. Like what's the point of trying and fighting anymore?I'm so tired and I've had enough. I'm sick of trying to please people. I'm sick of thinking that people are angry with me or that I'm not good enough. It's hell.
Yet tomorrow comes another day and I feel like nobody understands how I feel and nobody knows how hard everyday is. Just getting out of bed and doing simple things that other people do are like huge mountains that take me forever to climb. I'm exhausted from worrying, but I can't stop. I just wanna lay down and give up fighting. I want to hide from life. I feel as though I am missing something. Some vital ingredient that I need to get through life. That this vital ingredient wasn't given to me. I think it's just the whole coping thing. I feel like I can't cope. I have lost my fight. It's too hard.
Sorry for being so morbid but this is how I feel.