Thank you. I do trust Psych Central members.

I know I will get better. I always do.

It's unfortunate that I just don't have supportive people in my life out here. Some of that is just bad luck. My family of origin is as it is. My significant other is someone that one can't expect too much from. At least, I'm becoming more comfortable with just being alone. I'm very glad that I have my apartment where I can be safely by myself. That means the world to me. I'm comfortable here. It's a humble but cozy little place. When I lived with my S.O., there was real emotional abuse that would get worse when I was depressed. We are both very happy to live apart. I think of us as old friends, which I guess we will always be. When he is sick, as he was recently, I care very much and do all I can. He does some nice things for me too. This was the love of my life, and that was unfortunate for me. He has not been in love with me for quite a long time. He's told me since even back when he was in love with me that I don't measure up to his standards. Not that he would measure up to anyone's standards. Even his family encouraged me to leave him long ago. But I am glad of the on-going friendship that does exist and provides some warmth for each of us. I am not looking for a new relationship. I am too worn out.

My siblings don't care very much about me and I think I would do well to stop wishing for something that isn't there. It's really nothing personal against me; they don't care much for each other, and they just aren't all that inclined to be very embracing of anyone. The best thing I could learn from this time I'm spending in the down cycle would be to let go of trying to fan any little ember I see that I think has the potential to be more that it is. The world is full of people. I might invest elsewhere and find it more worth my while. I'm not outgoing. Trying to connect with others is very frightening to me. Also, there are a lot of people who are not good to connect with. But they often are the easiest to find. That's been the story of my life.

My getting hired hasn't actually resulted in me working yet. I am waiting for an assignment and it seems to be taking forever. I am getting scared that I won't measure up when I do get work. I am scared. But I won't spend the rest of this evening being scared. I am learning to be alone and depressed and to not be quite as scared as I was. Maybe I am foolish and should be scared. Somehow, I just am tired of being scared and feel like - whatever happens, happens. So I stay in my apartment like it is a cocoon, and I just want to stay cocooned. But tomorrow I am going to my employer to talk about getting me assigned somewhere.