Hello,

I'm having a very hard time. Very hard time.

I am completely alone. I know I battle my illness alone. But now, I'm so alone I can't sleep. I can't relax. I can't hold on to myself. I was an only child. I now how to be "alone." But I have never, ever been this lonely in my whole life.

Right now, my husband is in his office. He's getting drunk playing Starcraft with his online buddies. His buddies are streaming, so a bunch of other people who are his "friends". They are laughing, having fun. It's like standing in the gate of a party and you're not invited. Because I am not invited. I'm never invited or welcome.

He is online all day. He gets up and while I am getting everything ready for school and work, he logs in to watch his buddy stream or talk on skype. He rides in the car with me to school where we drop off our son, often grumpy. That's fine, he's a morning person, that's normal. But then he goes home. Is on skype and starcraft and streaming all day. From 9:00 a.m. until 2:45 when he picks up our son. Then they come home. And he watches streams and is on skype until I get home. Then he puts his headset on and is on skype and watching streams while dinner is made. And then... I eat dinner with our son while he eats with his friends while on skype and watching streams.

And then after dinner he closes the doors to his office and streams and drinks and has fun all night, expecting me to go to sleep while I listen to him laughing adn smiling and so happy. So I can't sleep. I'm up all night and I have to get up early. Because I am in too much pain to sleep! Crying hysterically. Because this is every day. On Saturday and Sunday I'm home so he doesn't have to watch out son. So he is online all day with his headset on. If I'm lucky he will take it off to listen to something I'm saying.

Our t.v. got shut off. So he doesn't even come out to watch t.v with me. Just watches his shows on hulu with his friends on skype. And I say "Let's watch this show together," and I miss him so much! And I don't know how to cope with my loneliness! I don't know how!

I communicated to him that this is not good, and he gets mad and defensive. Accusing me of not wanting him to have friends. I don't care about if he has friends! But... friends are not 24/7 people. Right? I feel like he's my room mate. I'm a ghost. I'm invisible. I don't exist. I'm not fun or interesting. I'm not wanted. I'm alone. And it hurts so bad.

I have only hurt this bad two other times in my life. When I finally let go and realized my mom was dead, and I would never see her again. And then when my ex took my oldest son away from me and I didn't see him for a while year.

I just want the pain to stop now. I don't know how to cope.

Sorry this is long. I just hurt so bad all day and then at night it is worse. Thank you for listening.