Hello,

To be completely honest, I have no idea why I am posting here. I have lived with undiagnosed depression for years. I don't see any real reason to see a professional because I already know whats wrong.

I have major trust issues, my mother and father ignored me growing up. Mainly my father, I have always been rather sickly and never interested in sports and more manly things. He treated my like garbage and smacked me around because I was never the son he wanted me to be. So much crap he did to me it would take a full 20 page report. My mother was an alcoholic and agreed with everything he said, mainly because he earned the money and supported her. When my sister was born, I was around 7, I purposely made him more angry so he would focus on kicking me around rather than her. I wanted her to grow up without all of that. And she has turned out to be a bright girl. She is 18 and already in collage, graduating with top honors and a full paid medical scholarship. As a big brother, I couldn't be more proud.

My teenage years, I did so many drugs. Marijuana, angel dust, acid. ALOT of acid. I used to get high before school and just live in a whirl of colors and lights. I drank all the time. But I was never very social. I had a few close friends and avoided parties like the plague. People just made me so mad. I felt like I had to put on a mask just to get people to talk to me. Or even acknowledge I existed. I was a bright kid, but I never saw reason to do anything. I always accepted I was worthless and thats the way things were. By this time my parents had a revelation, and became swingers. It was never a big concern to me. They had their life, I had mine. I had girlfriends, a sex life, all of which ended with them cheating on me. I was a druggy, an alcholic, but I worked 40 hrs a week as a manager at a hardiees, I did well in school, and was never mean or abusive. Women just cheat on me. That certainly never helped my confidence to trust issues.

I started dating a girl when I was 16. Had a great time, our ups and downs like any relationship, but I loved her. We dated for 5-6 years about. Graduated together, lived together after some things happened, it was hard. But we made ends meet. I was happy, but it was a lie. I ended up finding out she was off and on cheating on me with her ex boyfriend. I was working 2 jobs, she kept quitting hers. We had a fight when I found out and I told her to leave. She stole my car, and stripped my bank account before I could do anything about it. I got the car back, but the account had her name on it, so there was nothing to be done. She came back demanding things out of the house, her ..... well whatever he was at the time got in my face with a bat. I pulled a shotgun on him. It took everything I had not to kill him. I wanted to kill them both.

Those were the years I realized something. I had been pretending for so long. Pretending to be a friend, a son, a boyfriend, a regular guy. I had just been telling people what they wanted to hear. I never once let anyone in. I couldn't. I was too scared to. I still am. I'm afraid they wont like what they see. I'm scared to see it myself. I'm scared of losing control. I have no intention of killing myself, but I can't stop the pain of being alone. But I can't stop lying to everyone and keeping up appearances. Its the only thing I know how to do. No one in my life knows anything I'm going through.

Its been years since then, and an accident at work has left me partially handicapped. Its been 5 surgeries and I can't walk very well still. The economy has effected my job, and they have already laid off everyone in my position. I have dodged the bullet because I have been on workmans comp because of a surgury. I have come to the chopping block this Friday though. I will be laid off. My workmans comp stopped paying me over a month ago with no notification. I've been able to scrape by with what little savings I had. I can't continue collage if I lose my job, since they were paying for it.

I really have come to a dead end. I have been drinking myself to death for the past few months. I want to go back to doing drugs, I quit when I got out of high school, but if I have to take a drug test for various reasons I would be very out of luck.

I always prided myself, or at least told others that, about being successful. I worked hard and made quite a bit of money. Have my own home, nothing special but its here. I never showed weakness. I never let anyone see anything get to me. All the while its been eating me inside. Everyone lying to me, cheating on me, my lies to everyone. The masks. I just don't know whats behind them anymore, but I feel like its going to burst. I hate everyone. No one can see me for who I am. Everything works against me. Everything annoys me. Everything makes me so angry. I ditched my "friends" because they just got on my nerves. I'm so much better off alone, but I am so lonely. Its a paradox. I would rather burn this world to ash, but I just want someone to hold me. Its been 3 years since I've even had sex. And I've always had a massively over active sex drive.

I'm so scared that this stress will overcome me. The mask slip. I'm so scared of what's under it. Not for myself, but for what it is. All the pain, and loneliness, and anger, and hate inside me. I don't want to lose control. I'm scared of losing control.

Ignore me if you like, it doesn't really matter. I just needed something new to try and cope. I have no idea how to cope anymore, figured might as well give this a shot. I don't figure it will do much good.