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Sanada · Nov 29, 2011, 04:13 AM

*Warning May Trigger*

I have never posted here before. Now that I have been with PC for awhile I think I should (so any who may know me from forums or chat will know a little bit more about me).

My mother was abused by my father, very badly. He used to throw her down the stairs and hold her down and beat her face till it was bleeding lots.
I was told this after my father had died, apparently I witnessed this when I was 4 years old. It was something he did a lot when he came home from abroad (he was an alcoholic).
One of my brothers is surprised I don't remember because he told me that I would be curled in the corner screaming my head off. He also did this kinda of abuse to us kids too (4 boys), I am the youngest.
After mom died he re-married and the abuse of women continued, he continued to abuse me in violent ways and my brothers. They were older than I though so they got out quicker than I. I stayed with him till I was 20ish years old, then I finally left home. I did not see him again till 9 months-ish before he died (2008). Just the act of going to see him was my way of forgiving him for what he had done in his life.

I must say also he had PTSD badly from the army (he was blown up and had 4 gunshot wounds to the chest and shrapnel in his eyes and body and brain). In such circumstances the doctors will not remove the shrapnel from eyes and brain because it can kill the patient. This happened to him in 1952, I was born in 1970 (the late and last).

I have a two sided way of looking at this abuse and how to deal with it. It still messes me up thinking about the years of torture and psych abuse he inflicted; but.....(always a crappy but)....but he was one of the most intellectual person I ever knew as a kid. He taught me how to play chess when he was home and not beating (I remember playing chess and knowing it at about 4-5 yrs old). I was not very good but I played still. He was the boss in what he did, big stuff in oil (engineer), and he got ''gggrrrrrrr'' published too.
He taught me lots around the abuse, he showed me the planets when I was tiny, but still he abused violently and horribly (all within the family).

I somehow managed to forgive him of this nightmare childhood he inflicted on me (not just me), my brothers got it 'really' bad too, and the women even worse in my opinion. I have so many memories of blood (blood on me and others) loads, and hiding in closets and family members having to try to pursuade me out of a cupboard. Nightmares and sleepwalking all over the place (probably because of the abuse), and all sorts of really *****d up stuff.

But..I forgave him?

Maybe I forgave him because I look at my self as a person and I like what I see as a person. I am the least violent, abusive, nasty person you could ever know irl,

and I am very clever (hears trumpets and horns sound...oh....they are mine.lol).

If I post replies in this forum I just want anyone I post/reply to, to maybe know this.

A lot of people as I was in student and early 20s right through to my 30s were surprised at how least violent and 'not messed up' I was.
Some friends though did say..."when I hit my late 30s, I will have to deal with these issues". They were not wrong.

Thank you if you read this, and I hope I can help with posts and replies in this particular forum.

Psych Central =