so GUESS WHAT i become lazy when im nice to myself. and too accommodating.

i read this whole book for perfectionists
and it was pretty good and i relate, cause i am offf the charts

accept i become lazy
to get over "perfectionism" you're supposed to not be all type a

but if im not type a, then its tooaccommodating , everything slides, everything just slides right away. can focus better by giving yourself space to breath? is that self-preservation really? self preservation my ***

i dont get mad at myself for the right reasons, there is no such thing as bounderies with me, just going every****ing wehre

there were no limits when i was a kid, parents were perpetually gone but i hated it it sickened me

yeah i make progress but its sickening too. this program im into is the most complicated program on earth. it takes people a decade to learn everythings a climb. i am not happy with my progress.. i am not a math person i am an artist, but i got into this for the art. i only completed 3 rigs since september, was supposed to do 5. idk why i have to underestimate myself all the time though

no no my problem is this: are you ready? i am so into trying to keep from falling into depression over the slowness/the tediousness/ the failure days i have that i go into denial. like i just flatline and say well if i just dont think about it things will HAVE to work out eventually but i got to get the kinks out too.

or god things will get ugly .

i mean thats what everyone says and thats the only way to stay w it

im insane though im really ****ing ridiculous. if i was aborted it would have been nicer than this. there is no one that can trump my crazy

the most elusive thingis sticking to a schedule. its like a handicap. and that is NOT petty or ridiculous that is all i need to be happy. just control.

cant believe i ltierally thought i would IMPROVE if i was more chilled with the lazy me, would improve my creativity and ability to focus. well that was mindnumbingly stupid. no i know beating yourself up doesn't solve any problems or make things easier, letting yourself breath does, but uhhh this book author obviously know's jack **** about reality?


i dont care about anything else accept this competitive media bs ive gotten myself into. its the only thing worth sticking around for. ( i have no soul just fyi.) but im 25 now its just awful and annoying to be in school anymore im tired of it

so what the **** is my problem. if my type a personality met my lazy personality and they were in seperate bodies, it would be so bloody and hystercal

i hate lazyness in myself, i dont care about others, but
you know what? my medication makes it worse too. ( prozac) if there's a reason to stop taking meds its that

its enough to make you throw up. TAKING FOREVER to learn something complicated. i hate it i hate it i hate it i..

thats always my intention. to focus. but i just dont half the time. lets be honest. i am always going on tangents/ going out

if you vomited from the melodrama sorry.

i just have to know. im starting to think living with an evil voice in your head can be good again.

and i spent so much time trying to reverse that.

well maybe if i go back to being a type a to myself, things will work out because i am not as bad as i used to be? things are looking way up compared to 3 years ago