i went to my session and wasn't able to talk much at all. it just hurt so bad.my T asked about the holiday,my son the mother,etc..and i couldn't say anything.i was so so so stuck.i just wanted to put my hands over my ears and scream shut up.i wanted to say it to her and to all the miserable thoughts in my head.
she pointed out the fact that i was completely shut down(really no kidding) i was able to tell her i had a bad week.she wanted to know what a bad week meant and what went on.she asked again about stuff and asked how work was i told her that i didn't really go to work and she told me again i needed to go to work because i stay home and isolate myself and think bad things and spiral out of control.more huge silence. then i told her that she doesn't know me, i feel like a spoiled miserable brat and i just want to leave so so bad.she told me leaving isn't going to help me at all.(i know this)i hate this i didn't want to be saying what i was saying or doing what i was doing but i just couldn't stop it at all.i know i was being mean and hurtful and my T didn't deserve that but i just seem to push her Way big time it seemed this was my goal and i did it well
she told me that she has heard me say this before and wanted to know what it was about .she said she does know it is just a feeling and that was all.she doesn't know if it is a memory and thoughts or is something is happening . doesn't she see that even then i was acting like a spoiled miserable brat. i couldn't stop it.it isn't just a feeling and it wont just go away.i hate when she talks about memories and flashbacks. everything i did and said just hurt so bad and i want to just hide.she just didn't deserve me to act the way i was.