Thanks for the compliment, Sannah.

And this just blew me away, thinking about this issue as one of boundaries. That is very insightful.

One thing that I've really changed as a function of therapy is my expectations for how my H is supposed to react when we have a decision to make. I'm a good problem solver (lawyer training and all that) and think quickly and easily through multiple and complicated issues and arrive at a conclusion. My H is a super smart guy but isn't the clearest thinker when it comes to solving problems, and he just runs slower than I do. I used to pretty much berate him for not following along with me rather than giving him the space to think through things at his own pace, because, after all, I so clearly laid it out for him! I hurried him into a decision or wasn't willing to consider his issues thoroughly enough, so he felt unheard and/or attacked. Once I stopped expecting him to be just like me and gave him space to be himself, the process was so much better and both of us ended up satisfied that we'd arrived at a solution that was right. He still ends up agreeing with the solution I proposed in my own process most of the time; he just doesn't feel forced into it.

There is also that close relationship between boundaries and a need to control others, as you suggest. Earlier in my therapy with this T, I used to "correct" him all the time. About his choice of words, about a nuance that I was making that he didn't get, pretty much about any small thing that didn't make a difference. That was all about control of his words-- and if I could control his words, I thought I could control the therapy. I've since learned what I've learned from supervising beginning attorneys-- if you allow them to be themselves and to have the autonomy to approach things as they see fit, rather than what works for you, they do better work. My T does better for me when I stop insisting that he see/talk/act a particular way.

Anyway, thanks for pointing out these concepts. Really useful to me. Peaches, apologies if I have hijacked your thread towards a direction you didn't want to go.

Anne