Fresia you explained that so greatly

And I must admit-- At times I can allow myself to get into such a thing (bringing up past issues with a current problem), but that is usually home-- not work (i try best to distant myself with work), and at home I counter think and try to remember the temp resolution we had at that time even I was not fully satisfied with it... But I listen to the other party.

RoadRunner- that is ludicrous $20- geez..... I know not all the people I work with are persay the "normal-ist" but IDK some days....

Unhappyguy and Perna you guys make a good points-
Several times i wonder if my supervisor wants me to leave.. get rid of me in some form-- but I continuously get told- That is not the case--- It is just she is the way she is--- and I am one of the few that "cant let the stuff go" go as easy as others.

and i have been told for a few years now even by other employees- I don't belong in this work place-- I have not given up, I have not stopped doing with how I do my stuff- get it done... I have been told by many basically i could do better with how serious i take procedures and such---

And I understand that if that is what someone says- does not mean I did-- But at times the person that says things is taken more than the truth-- which is the sad fact with life and humans I guess at times...

Thank you all --
Ya know the other day when I could not sleep and was waiting to got to work, I had some pretty psychotic thoughts ( i tend to have self harming thoughts but to a little extreme as in doing it front of my supervisor or a group of managers) but i was having these thoughts and said to myself " Self I am tired of this- being so mad, enraged at times, having thoughts of such due to work - the people at work!" --- I am really thinking about going back to school this coming new year even though I have a lot of things going on with finances right now.. and right now I am thinking about knitting some things and trying to sell them as well-- (I am not sure on this but I get told by some that I make cool stuff so I am finally going to try it out-- if i do not succeed that is ok- I like to knit to take time away some days-- and if they don't sell I am sure there are some family or friends that would appreciate the items, and I already have the starting so I am not spending much on this if I do spend anything).

IDK I am looking more at the community college near me-- I just don't know what todo and I know for 3 years now I have said I will go over- fear of failing is a big thing of not going over and stress... but I am at some days about to break- this year at my job, It has been worse--- it is like an eye opening thing--- I don't belong here, this is not a good fit, and I need to move on... SO I think I will set up an appt with a counselor/aid person at this community college to get started-- perhaps they can help with where I could go-- maybe I should ask my T what she thinks I would do in cuz I am utterly lost on where to go-- I feel like I am still 18, IDK what to do, where to go--

All I know is right now with this job- it is not going well.... has not been since I started LOL which should had been a big red flag but I have stayed- Finishing my 4th year.... omg.. how sad