Not sure which forum to put this post in...
So here it goes. Im really messed up. Almost two years ago i was sexually assaulted (dec 31st), Just thinking about everything that i went through makes me cry. I still don't believe that i will ever come over the fear and hostility that i still cary from the assault. I will never find sex the same. Because it was my first time. I would never be able to experience my real "first time". That doesn't really bother me. What bothers me is i can't get close to anyone anymore. I find it extremely difficult to trust people, i just can't handle it anymore, i have no best friend, I'm always alone even though i do prefer it I'm extremely lonely.
I can't even get my thoughts arranged at all.
And so I lied. I don't know whats wrong with me but i lied to him, this guy. I just don't know how to keep a stable relationship if i can't trust anyone.
All i've ever wanted to do was fall madly in love, sneak out to see my boyfriend at midnight under "our" tree, have him stick up for me, lend me his jacket when I'm cold and dance under the stars. But i can't feel that, i always mess up because in my mind i see something bad happening so i try to avoid it by breaking it off. I really don't know whats wrong with me.
I just don't want to be hurt again. I have a bad history of an assault, being stalked, hit, emotional and verbal abuse from my ex's. And because my dad is an ex-cop, i've learned to stick up for myself and be strong. But on the inside, every word they say to me hurts, its like SI.
Idk. i know this makes no sense at all but ugh, I'm just not too sure. I need a break from life..