I can relate to this. I remember my T once incredulously asking me "have you ever experienced joy?" Its a very hard thing for me. One night i was really depressed contemplating suicide and i stopped by a bar for a drink. there was a band playing and everybody was on the dance floor having a blast. i watched that questioning, why cant i do that? why cant i experience that joy? This guy comes up for a drink and starts talking to me about the band and i comment on what a great time everybody seems to be having. He goes on and on about how much fun it is. As he walks away, so uncharacteristic of me, i invite myself to join he and his friends. I danced that night. I have never danced before. I never felt so free. I ended up following this band, even getting over my fear of driving in the mountains to see them when they were at the lake. I saw them every time they were in town and danced the night away. I let myself be free to experience fun and joy and happiness, connecting with the music. They set my world right every time I saw them. They helped me thru my depressions, knowing it would be just a few more weeks till i saw them again, i could hang on till then. They were there thru the darkest time of my life. Sadly they broke up over a year ago and I havent found anything to replace that fun in my life.