Yes, TerryL, always I can usually trace back to something that felt bad. I have been hired by nursing agencies in the past and just about always been given work to do soon. This time is different. I'm still waiting for an assignment. I had been really encouraged by getting the job. But then it didn't pan out as I had hoped. So I am scared. Also, my three siblings are difficult to relate to. They will go months without talking to me, then seem friendly for awhile, then estrangement sets in. I analyse everything I've said to them to see where I may have been wrong. I always find things to criticize myself for. That's not really the problem though. One is not a good person and it is vain to expect anything but trouble. Another one goes from warm and friendly to very angry, and if she wants to find things to be angry with, she surely will. Then there is one whom I've had a lot of respect for, but she doesn't have much respect for me and has said so. Recently she indicated that she doesn't really like getting phone calls, email, and regular mail. So I will try not to bother her. My S.O. is critical of me, and I've gotten to where I prefer being alone than being with him. When he was very sick, I sent an email to a sibling who telephoned me, but I think she just felt obligated. She knows that I would like to hear more from her, but she has told me in the past that I don't relate to her properly and that if she is distant from me, it is because that is what I deserve. Kind of a lot of rejection to deal with - is it not? Now I am crying, so I will get off and I have to get ready for someone coming to clean my carpet. I don't feel like moving things out of the way, as he needs for me to do. I have to make myself.

At the pscych center, they say I am not making progress and so they want me to stop coming to them. I'm in bad shape.