I'm 23 and I've had a sock fetish for as long as I can remember, as a child I would always try smelling my older sisters feet and shoe wear. The desire faded away after a while and I basically became very confused. I started masturbating with a vibrator at a young age. As puberty hit I couldn't find out what I was attracted to, I would masturbate to nothing, it took a while but I would orgasm. I don't remember when exactly, but it was around 12-13 that I started noticing socked feet and that they were my main attraction. It got out of control and I couldn't control myself if there was an attractive set of socked feet around, male or female it didn't matter. What bothers me most now was being attracted to my sisters feet, and masturbating while smelling the feet of sleeping people. I knew on some level that it was wrong but I was so confused and angry at being this way, I felt I had nothing to lose. My family didn't talk about sex, all I was told was gays and deviants are sinners and go to hell. There were a few times I was caught smelling feet, nobody knew for sure what I was doing but it was never brought up again. An older friend of my brothers knew, he caught me in the act more than once and he didn't seem to care, even asking me once "do my feet turn you on"? I lied, told him no because I was in such denial. He was a close friend of mine and my family most of my life, and he killed himself in 2004. I've had a few mental breakdowns the past few years, all of the improper and perverted things I've done haunt me, I wish I never had this fetish and acted so compulsively and disgustingly to fulfill it. It was like a smack in the face of how inappropriate I had been. I don't think I deserve to live. On top of all that, I've had anxiety and panic attacks off and on as long as I can remember. I've had debilitating paruresis (shy bladder syndrome) since I was 15, I can't urinate in public restrooms or even at my own home if there's too many people around. I've been abusing drugs of all sort for almost 2 years now. This past year I'm starting to wonder if I've ever been sexually abused. Uncertain foggy memories don't clarify for sure, but leave me with uncomfortable questions. As if everything I already said isn't enough to drive someone completely crazy, I've had important people in my life die for the past 3 consecutive years. Just before 2009 Jim, an important father figure to me died. He was there for me when my biological father should have been but wasn't because he was a depressed drug addict like I'm starting to become. Then my grandmother dies in 2010, we were taking care of her so I saw her get worse and worse. And now a few months ago my biological father died and I do have a lot of good memories, but lots of resentment too, it's all still there like a festering wound, but he's gone now it's too late to say what should have been said. I have nobody to talk to about this, and I really don't feel like I deserve to live. I have suicidal dreams, and then shameful fetish dreams. I've tried asking for help online before, either nobody believes me or are just too disgusted to comment. While I'm controlling my fetish now, it's been over a year since I've done anything inappropriate and I respect boundaries now, but the shame and disgust eats me alive. Do I even deserve to live? How do I live knowing I'll never have a relationship because I'm such a freak? I can't get a job because I'm such a psychological mess, my mom is 56 and has to go back to work! I should be the one taking care of her and helping my family, I'm 23 for ****s sake!! I'm begging pleading for some advice, someone tell me if I deserve to live because I don't think I do, I don't think I can ever work things out. I'm desperate... please help me.