I'm tired of being this horrible person, somehow everything good always crumbles apart and I'm left to blame. I have given up fighting it, it's not worth it everyone who I have cared for either starts spreading rumorsabout me or telling me they hope I die, sometimes I wish I could fulfill their wishes but I can't even though they make me hurt so bad I can't do that to them. At least with cutting they will never see and I won't be harrassed because of me telling them what they say hurts, it doesn't matter anyway, my feelings are meaningless, I don't even know if I have them everythings just blah I don't know what to do. I want to cut to let the pain and overwhelming sadness poor out, I know it's temporary but that's all that keeps entering my mind. I hate this, I just don't understand, everyone around me has been able to grow up, to speak their mind without punishment, to be their own person but I can't, everything I do is wrong, if I ask for help I'm just told to deal with it. Well I hate the way I deal with it I just keep falling back into my little hole where i cut till I get tired and fall asleep. I don't want to go there but maybe i will. Sorry for my ramblings.