Hi P button,

Yeh, I'm trying to look at it positive. It's hard, though. T knows how hard attachment and trust are for me. We talk about it all the time.

Before I made the confession to t, I had questioned aloud with my t, "Why do I get so upset and triggered when she leaves -- but it doesn't bother me when other people in my life go away?" My t asked me to look inside myself and see if I could find the answer. So I did. And that's when i discovered the answer and shared it with her: "Because child parts love you like they did with mom."

I didn't share it outright. I hedged and hesitated, and told her I was afraid to say it, for fear of how she might react to hearing it. But she encouraged me to say it. So i handed it to her on paper to read. And that's when she said, "It's normal to develop feelings like that with someone who has been nice to you, and whom you've spent alot of time with."

It was SOOOOOO hard to share with her that child parts loved her. I've alluded to it before a couple of times in email. But never when i was sitting right across from her. It's good she validated that my feelings were normal. But i needed something more.

This morning, despite knowing about the anniversary of her mom's passing, and apologizing for bringing up my disappointment in an email to her, I still feel hurt about this and had to say something. I'm supposed to see her at 3 pm today, before she leaves for Panama.

So I sent her an email this morning, letting her know that i feel trepidation about coming in today. (I SOOOOOO don't want to be vulnerable today, after making myself vulnerable last week and feeling rebuffed after my expression of affection.)

I also said in my email that I plan to show up for my session, but if i don't, to please charge me for the session. I think the punishment of having to pay for a session I didn't attend might prevent me from chickening out the next time she plans to leave the country.

I also told her once more that I still feel hurt that she replied to my disclosure of affection with a textbook reply. I was the one who was open and raw and vulnerable and sharing my feelings -- while she was all hidden and safe behind her therapeutic objectivity. But i said I would try to just overlook it, since she has often times overlooked things I've said and regretted.

2 hours before i leave. I don't know if i can do this.