Hi Wheeler,

I'm supposed to see her in a couple of hours. I feel so nervous. Normally, when my t is leaving town, i kind of go numb and feel and sound like I'm wearing an emotion-less mask (like Mr. Spock on Star Trek). It's what I do to try to prevent myself from getting triggered. As a kid, when my mom would spring sudden trips on me, I'd panic and cry. And for some reason, when t goes, i have like a PTSD reaction, where my body wants to get all panicky and cry. So I have to use strong control not to let the PTSD take over. And that's why i have to be numb. Either that, or i will disconnect and not be able to look at her, because i don't want to be reminded of those old painful separation feelings i used to get. In the rare event that i can't stay detached, and i get upset and cry alot, then i feel so ashamed!!

T said she wants me to "do it differently this time" and "not push away in anger." But instead, to "separate with kindness and support and concern." I want to, I do. But i don't know if i can. . .