Quote:
Originally Posted by peaches100
Hi Wheeler,
I'm supposed to see her in a couple of hours. I feel so nervous. Normally, when my t is leaving town, i kind of go numb and feel and sound like I'm wearing an emotion-less mask (like Mr. Spock on Star Trek). It's what I do to try to prevent myself from getting triggered. As a kid, when my mom would spring sudden trips on me, I'd panic and cry. And for some reason, when t goes, i have like a PTSD reaction, where my body wants to get all panicky and cry. So I have to use strong control not to let the PTSD take over. And that's why i have to be numb. Either that, or i will disconnect and not be able to look at her, because i don't want to be reminded of those old painful separation feelings i used to get. In the rare event that i can't stay detached, and i get upset and cry alot, then i feel so ashamed!!
T said she wants me to "do it differently this time" and "not push away in anger." But instead, to "separate with kindness and support and concern." I want to, I do. But i don't know if i can. . .
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I can relate somewhat to being triggered when T leaves. I managed to get through one month with her gone recently. I used to have a much more panicky response. I couldn't figure it out. I'm still trying to figure it out. It was like an all out, full body fear reaction. Luckily, my T tried to help me find ways to cope with these sensations and how to cope while she was gone. She was very gentle and very understanding and even said to me that T's have attachment too. So, I was validated - but even with validation it's hard. I so feel for you. Good luck