Quote:
Originally Posted by hankster
I would try to see it as her giving you a safe place to have those feelings in, without worrying about what her feelings are about it. It's not "crap" - you are really kind of lucky to have clean unconfused space where just your own emotions exist? Yet it's STILL complicated! You STILL question what all is going on - I don't mean that in a bad way at all! You just still have feelings about it, and AT THE END OF THE DAY, as they say, whether she's a warm huggy T or a chili and frosty T, we are still not going home with them, so what does their mood or temperament matter? As she is going on a trip, yes, you can totally expect yourself to be weird, now and when she gets back, but these are also great opportunities for growth. So I would say she is being careful not to cause you more "breakage" before her trip, but also to give you the space to change if that's what is happening, it's your call. It's a delicate balancing act for them? You sound like you are making great progress in attachment.
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Hi Hankster,
You're probably right. Why do I care so much about what my t thinks and feels? I guess it comes down to crappy self-esteem and the feeling of being open and naked -- putting your neck on the chopping block and trusting (hoping) after you've put your feelings "out there," the person won't walk right past without noticing, or worse, lower the boom! I've loved and trusted some people in my life, both when i was a little girl, a teenager, and an adult in a particularly vulnerable position - with major clinical depression.
And I've so often gotten betrayed.
By the neighbor who lured me in with cookies and affection and then SA'd me -- to my parents who did nothing to protect me or help me deal with it -- to my best friend as a teen who slept with my boyfriend in a tent as i laid right next to them pretending to be asleep -- to the older woman friend who drew me into her attention and care when i was depressed, only to visciously abandon me when i didn't solve my problems her way . . .and for that matter, to the loss of all 3 of my close friends when i got depressed. None of them understood depression and instead, blamed me for having a bad attitude, wallowing in self-pity, not being spiritual enough, etc. These were people I loved, people I'd given my heart to, people i naively, innocently, stupidly trusted.
Now, with t, I'm trying to trust again and open up to love again. I'm scared to death of getting hurt, scared to put myself out there. And when i do it, i get a "clinical" response.
Makes me want to go back into a hole and stay there.
Thing is, i know my t cares, and she has in the past said some very soothing, supportive words. I should be able to draw on those past times, and overlook what she said. But dang! it's hard!! I feel like I'm on constant 24-hour alert to keep from getting hurt. And any little thing I'm going to jump on, because i don't want to trust and be hurt anymore.
