I haven't posted here in a while, I've been mostly hanging on the ADD forums lately.
I was finally diagnosed ADHD-PI about a month ago at 30 years old, as well as Dysthymia (chronic depression).
But I have been wondering off and on for a while if I don't have sort of an addiciton to anxiety?

Perhaps that is also causing the self-sabotaging tendencies I have now. Anxiety is a chemical reaction, “fight or flight” rush we get to motivate us, often in an emergency. But a lifetime of high stress “flight or fight” situations seems potentially detrimental to well being.

http://anxietycause-anxietycures.com...ddicted-to-it/

Since I was a child I was in high stress situations at home. My parents were constantly fighting, and sometimes I literally got in the middle and was fighting with them, mostly on my mother's side. I developed a hatred towards my father who took off for months at a time. When he was around he was quitting or losing jobs frequently, we were poor and living on and off of welfare, depending if he made a little more but not enough to live from.

Knowing and actively being involved in my parents stress and fighting, lead me to feel like the parent by as early as 10 years old. My mother was often to depressed to go out in public, so would sit in the car while I got groceries. There would have been upsetting feelings or anxiety when I got to the register the first few times, not realizing I got more than the food stamps we had to cover. After a while, I learned to calculate an estimate in my head which made it easier.

Sure this is also an ADHD thing, but... In school, I often procrastinated my homework as long as possible. I remember scrambling in the morning sometimes, or even between classes to finish it, that would also produce anxiety or an adrenaline rush to complete it on time. I also started smoking even though I was against it for all the health reasons. Started at a time when I was feeling highly stressed and frustrated with my life.

I took some risks with friends while drinking under aged. We took the risk of having open alcohol in my vehicle a couple of times, even drinking in the parking lot at a Homecoming and going back inside. No big risks being taken there at all. Since we lived in a small town, there were a lot of country roads, which I got “convinced” to do some more daring things on while driving, turning off headlights while going through quiet country road intersections with stop signs at full speed. Sure it wasn't entirely my idea, but those things would have produced the adrenaline/anxiety rush. Nothing bad ever happened to us from doing any of those things. We never even got caught or ticketed. We could “get away with it” so to speak.

The procrastination continued throughout high school and college. To a point where I felt I wrote better papers “under pressure” than not. Or maybe I was just getting used to the anxiety feelings and needed to procrastinate to keep them coming. I procrastinated everything it seemed, cleaning and homework were the biggest, but as I was on my own more in college, paying bills was another procrastination. Which would definitely be stressful/anxiety producing if they were not paid on time, which they often were not after a while.

My first credit card I had a $500 limit, and kept it paid off, until they raised it without me asking shortly after, then it was a little harder but still mostly paid on time at least. Then in college I needed another limit raise to cover books. After that, I rarely paid more than the minimum and it wasn't long before I was also at or just under my credit limit on a regular basis. So this created a cycle of being at or near my limit, knowing I needed to pay it down, but still using it for things like gas or groceries, or in a bar with friends. Then I started getting the late/over limit notices. Eventually I defaulted on the card. And another card with only a $300 limit.

After a car accident that totaled my car (not at fault, for the record), I had “ok” enough credit (before the default credit card) to just barely qualify for a new car that was being “pushed” so more people got approved. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to make the nearly $300 a month car payments, and days after I got approved, I quit one of my 3 part time jobs I had during college, based on a “last straw” level of frustration at work. I couldn't take the car anymore. But I did buy a car from a guy, that ended up being a bad decision and spent as much as I paid for the car in repairs.

I've had my license suspended several times in the past, especially from ages of 17-24, do to points from tickets, or later on from resulting unpaid fines. Which created a viscous circle. I would take the “risk” of driving without my license because I “needed to drive” and only one of the times did I even apply for a Occupational License for work.

I even drove with alcohol in my system during those times. (knock on wood, still no DUI's to my name). But almost every time I would drive, at some point I would remember I wasn't supposed to, and could get in big trouble for driving with a suspended license. Every time I saw a police car there was some anxiety I would get pulled over. And I did a few times, sometimes for a headlight out or something minor.

I also have let my registration and plates expire and not renew them on time, partially due to finances, but that also created a level of anxiety that I could get a fine for that as well. I have often let routine car maintenance go, such as adding oil or oil changes, tires being filled, etc, without being checked as frequently as necessary. Most of my cars have basically died or had more problems than were worth fixing after a while. No car = anxiety/stress.

Looking back, I can see that I have quit or changed from full time to part time jobs at the worst times, often shortly after I had benefits coverage. Now I seem to have “bad things happen” at the worst possible times, that drive me to quit or lose jobs. I might be just on the verge of almost catching up or digging myself out of one hole, when something “happens” and I fall right back into the hole.

Are these things this somehow (subconsciously) intentional, to keep that anxiety-adrenaline-chemical-rush coming back?

Not knowing if I will have enough for rent or other essentials? Do I leave a bill go past due even when I have the money order ready to go, but it sits around for a week or two?

Is this all somehow on purpose to keep that anxiety of :not knowing what will happen" if it's not paid on time?

Do I say things to people, or think things about them (whether true or not) knowing what type of reaction it will draw, to illicit some sort of turmoil or conflicts, even if only with myself?

Do I ever do these things at a time where I am already under turmoil and make everything else seem magnified?

Do I feel some sort of “urge” these days to do things I KNOW I shouldn't do, that I KNOW will only cause me further stress, and I KNOW it can only bring more anxiety my way?

Is this why I am starting to believe I am just plain self-sabotaging?!?