((((((((((((((hopelessfreak)))))))))))))

I am sorry you are hurting so much.

You are not dirty, you are not a freak, just different.

I very much understand the frustration you feel. As someone who falls into "alternative" sexuality it's hard to sometimes be different because society can judge so harshly. I am bisexual and have a bdsm fetish. I am very quite about it with most people I don't know and some of my friends don't agree with it but we just don't talk about it because it is a sensitive topic.

Have you ever considered seeking professional help about the anger, shame you feel about your sexuality? It also sounds like you have had a lot of loss these past few years and haven't had a chance to grieve and it's brought up some hard feelings for you.

Many communities have sliding scale therapists and counslers and rehab programs where they help you find a job and eliminate drugs from your life.

You do deserve to live, you do deserve to feel good about yourself and comfortable with the person you are. Everyone is different and unique and adds something to this world.

Please seek help hoplessfreak you deserve to heal and you deserve to have a productive happy healthy life

Sending good thoughts your way