Hi all This is my first post here... Im not really sure what im looking for out of posting this but im going to do so anyways.
I guess a little bit about me, Im an 18 y/o girl. i have social anxiety and mild depression which i do see a psychologist for. But there is one thing I'm just too afraid to bring up to her.. and that would be that my attrations just dont correlate.
The short explination is that im romantically attracted to other girls but sexually attracted to guys. And ive spent a ridiculous amout of time depressing over this. I feel like im the only one out there who feels this.. Although i did meet 1 other person online who also felt this, but aside from that, everyone seems perplexed by it.

I don't know what to call myself. i know that part of the problem is that people dont have the same idea of what consists of ones orientation.. I've explained the gist of my orientation to just some people.. mostly on the internet. and i've seen pretty much every answer there is. ive had a handful of people call me a lesbian, a handful of people call me straight, and a handful of people call me bi. I've gotten other weird answers too like im "70% straight and 30% lesbian". or another answer i got was that i could have OCD and thats why im obsessed with some girls but really i must be straight..

Now, Theres 3 people i've explained to pretty in-depth about my orientation. 2 of them think i sound lesbian. 1 of them thinks i sound straight.... To the asexual community I identify myself as a homoromantic heterosexual. but even that is not completely accurate. and even if it was, the general population has no idea what the that means!! and its most likely i'd be misunderstood and not taken seriously.. I cant just say 2 words to express myself.

so thats why im writing this.. I want to be able to express myself and mabye get help finding a reason on WhY i feel this way. I dont think ive ever completely written down and explained everything thats what im going to do now, mabye in hops that someone here has some advie.

when i was younger, about 12, was when i first started to experience sexual attraction (for clarification i consider sexual nything where the focus is on the genitals) I think what bought on my first 'sexual awakening' was these internet forums i used to go to.In the forums there were tons and tons of categories you could click on. I dont remember now what first tempted me to click on the "sex and sexuality" category or the "LGBT" category. I just remember i used to go into those sections all the time after that.. It was around this time i started to question my orientation.. But sometimes there would be erotic stories or just erotic talk in the lesbian forums and i just remember getting aroused by them (at least i think i got aroused by them- its been so long alot of my memories are kinda fuzzy). I also developed a crush on this girl, around that time as well (the only person i've really ever felt strongly for both sexually and romantically) We would both talk about doing sexual things together and I fantasized about her sexually a ton. She wasn't the oly girl i fantasized sexually about though, she was just the main one. But i had fantasies about a few other girls too.. one time i just looked at this girls butt one day and like.. MAJOR sexual fantasy and attraction! but anyways lol mostly i just thought of girls in a sexual way. id start lookin at their butt and boobs and i'd just start thinkin "YAHH SEXYY" (I guess i pretty much had a teenage boy thought process back then or something lol). There were a few guys i had sexual fantasies about then too. only 1 comes to mind right now though. Mostly though boys were just kinda there.. It was rare for me to think of them in a sexual way. 6th and 7th grade was most definantly when i had the highest sex drive. It slowly went down after that. In 8-9th i would stil look at girls chest areas and such but it was more along the lines of,"shes hot".. not like "i wanna get into bed with her!" I dont remember much arousal or fantasies either really in those grades. It was in 10th grade my sexual attraction to guys went up. Honestly, i think this could be because i started watching video porn and iwas aroused by the GUYS and not so muchthe girls in them. (thats when i really started to get confused). Through the rest of highschool i ended up cybering with 4 guys on a regular basis and every time I was really aroused, alot moreso than with any of my previous arousal from girls. If i had been with them in that moment IRL, there is no way i would have been able to control myself. I had sexual contact with 1 guy and during that time my sex drive in general was really high...In contrast, I cybered with 1 girl and hardly felt any desire. Nowadays, some things i notice is that when i have a close proximity to a guy (like if im sitting right next to them or they hug me or something like that) i sometimes get aroused and feel drawn sexually towards them. that has probably happen around a dozen times since 10th grade.
When im in close proximity with a girl i do get.. i guess its arousal.. but itsa different type of arousal. With men i get the typical wetness feeling i think most people feel.... with women i just get a jolting feeling in my 'lower areas"( the jolting feeling has mabyeh appened 3-4 times) Also when the possiblity of being sexual with a guy comes up (i have not had that possiblity with a girl yet) I automatically become more sex driven. when that possibility goes away, im like 99% less sex driven. id also like to point out that in the retrospect of things i dont see sexual attraction as important. in alot of ways its just an annoyance, its like when your super thirsty but cant drink water because theres none around... and i see no emotional, romantic, or aesthetic attraction related to it. And in alot of ways i see sex as a game of dominance.. I would however, like to experience some sort of sexual contact with a girl, moreso just to see if my sexual feelings for women will come back.

Romantically.. well, Sometimes its difficult for me to understand what romantic vs. friendship is. Sometimes i KNOW i can tell. like right now i have a crush (on a girl). I feel like when i get crushes on people I ACHE for emotional intimacy. I want to get really close to them and know all their secrets and read their thoughts. I want to be by them alot and i obsess over them, I care what they think more than i do anyone else. and i just get all giddy and excited. I fell in love with a girl when i was 16 (my friend).I wanted to make her happy, id take a bullet for her, and i just wanted to be with her forever.. I cant explain how i know that i loved her and it wasn't infatuation. But i did love her.. I noticed that whenever i've gotten crushes on girls theyve always been my friends. ive never had a crush on somebody i didn't know that well. Ive never had a crush on a celebrity.. As far as guys go... Actually i dont think ive ever had a crush on a guy at all. There was 2 specific instances where i felt romantically drawn to a guy, and they did't last long. I also swore they had some sort of 'feminine vibe' to them. (turns out both of them were actually gay). If the right guy comes along and i fall in love with him then thats great.. but i find that really hard to picture. I just feel like i like the personality of girls more, Its what draws my heart in. I dont have any desire for a boyfriend, but a deire for a girlfriend is there. Spending the rest of my life with a male doens't sound that bad, but i feel like i'd always have that desire for a girl to be in the picture. and I dont think my heart would be in the same place as his. I feel like if i ever did spend the rest of my life with a guy he'd be like a good friend to me. I might have a sexual attraction there even but I just cant ever picture haing the romantic attraction there..

sensual attraction (or physical attraction i call it both) I define as things like kissing, cuddling, hugging, and touching. And I get VERY sensually drawn to girls.. I like hugs and cuddles from guys but when that happens i usually just get aroused and get sexually attracted to them in that moment (not all the time but if it goes on for long enough its bound to happen). When this happens with girls usually i just want to keep hugging/cuddling with them and not let go, or i get all giddy, have butterflies ect. Once in awhile i'll get that jolting feeling in my lower regions. I fantasize about kissing girls alot. I have kissed girls before but it was a quick peck kinda thing. The idea of soft kisses with girls appeal to me. Especially soft long kisses . Any kissing where theres a tounge being shoved in my mouth doesn't appeal to me. I dont think id like rough kissing.. I have made out with 2 guys and both times i felt fairly neutral to it. I didn't really like it. With one of the guys i even washed my mouth out afterwordss... Girls are just.. Softer and I lovee that. I feel like with some girls (like the girl i currently have a crush on) I just want to touch them.. All over. I dont want the genitals to be the main focus or boobs, but it might include touching there and it might not. i just want to touch. naked touches

And lastly: aethetics. Heres basically what im gonna say: i think women in general are beautiful. My eyes are drawn to certain girls all the time. Their hair (which i majorly fantasize about running my hands through!). their eyes. their body shape. their soft skin, their SMELL. smell is a big thing for me. as weird as it sound i sometimes "breathe in casually" around girls i think are pretty and attractive. I also find some girls hot even though i dont want to do anything sexual with them. I have mabye found a small handful of guys in my life i'd think were attractive or hot. and even then im not sure if i found them attractive or if i just thought OTHER people must find them very attractive. I dont like guys smell. guys hair generally grosses me out as well.

So to summarize: I used to liike girls more sexually, now i like guys almost exclusively more sexually. I get aroused by both but its a different kind of arousal
My romantic attraction is almost exclusively to females
Sensual is almost exclusively females
Aesthetics is almost exclusively females

Soo, i guess thats the main gist of it :/
anyone got any advice or opinions or anything on this? What could make somebody this way? It really does bother me, all the time. I really wish my attractions did correlate. life would be sooo muh easier that way!!