I am applying for medicaid but looks like I won't get it. My income is too high. My work insurance is about to change to be too expensive (it isn't good anyway, doesn't cover much at all for mental health.) I've been on meds and in and out of treatment, but I can't afford it. I'm in that limbo zone. Too rich for assistance, too poor to afford it on my own.... Soon probably without insurance entirely.

I've had treatment off and on since 12 years old. As a kid my mom was taking me to a child psychologist for a short time because she knew something was wrong. But I heard her and my dad fight about money and felt guilty, so I told her I was better and didn't need to go anymore. Then she died when I was 13 and I had a time in grief therapy, which I stopped going because I was a confused and angry young teen. After that nothing until I was 26 and my youngest son was born, where in the hospital they put me on Abilify and I had horrifying side effects. And I was sent into a system where I met with a therapist in training. She put me in a support group full of people court ordered for anger management.... when I was severly depressed and post pardum on top of that.... After that nothing until 30 when I went to the doctor one day. He walked in and said, "how are you today?" And I went from perfectly normal to on the floor in a heap crying.

So I was set up with a pdoc and first Lamictle (which I'm allergic to,) and then Lithium for about a year. But I couldn't afford the pdoc and I kept forgetting to take my meds until I completely forgot for over a month... And I haven't had anything since then except my OB knows and they are watching me as best they can for now, but didn't start meds due to the baby.

I dream of someday having treatments and all of that. Somedy. It's like a magical place far away, maybe like heaven. Maybe doesn't exist. I don't know.