Those of us who experienced abuse at the hand of authority figures find ourselves wanting something inside us that we can't name. There is a longing and a searching from the heart of the hidden child inside for what we should have been given by those who were supposed to love us and protect us.

Going into therapy is a risk on so many levels. We go in knowing that our hearts will be laid out for inspection. We work agonizingly hard at being honest with our T and silently beg that they will not harm us... that we will not "once again" be harmed by someone who is supposed to help us.

Is it worth the risk? Is it worth the tears we shed in secret, the ones we don't tell T about because they are about him or her?

This week I saw my T on Monday. We were dealing with some hard issues. My T was tough on me... as he needed to be. And I was fighting for my sanity but I was loosing the battle. I was not in a good place. I was in serious danger and I felt it so deeply within my being. I could tell my T could see it, but I could feel his frustration at trying to reach me but not being able to touch my heart. I was afraid.

But he wasn't. Yesterday I had to return to my T. In fact, I didn't see how I could, but he continued to reach out to me and ask me what I needed. His lack of fear allowed me to be brave enough to let him know that the one thing I needed more than anything else was to see him. So he made it happen. He would correct me and say WE made it happen :-)

I was as lost as I have ever been when I walked into his office yesterday. I was in pain on every level of my being. There was a time when my tormenters promised me that there was a fate far worse than death... and I was experiencing it. I was at the very end of the end of my rope. I had lost my own ability to even fight it.

T took me into his office and he was THERE with me. He moved over to me for our EMDR work and for the first time since we have been doing it, I was so aware of how physically close we were. A BIG part of me wanted to run out of the room in fear, but as I said, I had lost all ability to fight. And as my T made an effort to look me in the eye... as he trusted me enough for him to open up his soul and reach out with that part of who he is....

It is almost beyond my ability to put into words what this felt like.

My T once used the word "intimacy" with me. I thought I knew what it was. But yesterday showed me what intimacy was on a level of such total trust. He was there. He was with me. He could have done or said anything to me and I was in his hands. Something I promised myself at a very young age to NEVER again allow myself to be... vulnerable. But I did. I was without any defense. I was the child in the hands of one who had authority and power over who I was.

His eyes. So unlike the others who I needed to be there to protect me and teach me but who harmed me. A man. A mentor and a guide. A teacher. A healer.

I wanted to find some way to share this with you guys because I know the struggle we share in this area. I wanted to let you guys share this with me because maybe you can see how important it is to keep working at allowing the heart to be honest and open with T. It is a relationship and it is wise to just take time and stay safe inside. But keep working through the ruptures. Keep talking things over when problems come up. Listen to your heart and you will know if there is a chance that "one day" you will be able to let down your guard just long enough for your T to reach out to the real you.

A part of me which had never been seen by another person outside of who we are inside said to my T yesterday "You saw me. Didn't you?"

I know what my T and I shared yesterday was something precious. I also know I don't run around with all my shields down anymore than he does. So I know that the next session will be "back to normal" in most ways.
But one thing can't be undone. Yesterday we touched .... without anything unsafe for either of us... without any fear of the other person... without anything at all against therapy or healing in any way at all.... we were intimate.

I walked out of his office yesterday, without a single doubt in my mind, knowing I was loved.