Hi Darkx,

My experiences with therapy and meds have been far from heaven, but the end result is that I can communicate my thoughts and feeling more effectivly and am much less nervous in public or around crowds.

I've never known anyone who has a easy time in treatment for mental illness. Some people receive lots of treatment and still aren't able to pay their rent or buy groceries and their situations can get pretty desperate, even with SSDI and insurance. It sounds to me like your doing pretty well compared to many unfortunate mentally ill folk. Sometimes, while in therapy, I would get really mad and confused but I'm glad those emotions surfaced with therapists and doctors rather than a family member or some poor guy just walking down the street. I believe the meds gave me the self control I needed to put together the life that I now enjoy. I think they considered me "chronicly homeless" and I didn't even think my life was abnormal in any way. Now, after years of therapy and meds and internal stuggles with confusing thoughts and emotions, I can maintain employment, be an effective step-dad and a good and faithful husband. My birth family trusts me much more now too. I'm still working on the friends and social life part, but I have to wait because I can't force people to be friends with me and I am terrified in large groups sometimes.

I wish I could give you some info on your husband, but I don't think I'm the best source. He seems pretty high functioning and proud and stubborn. People like that scare me because many times they call me a "whiner". I've never known how to respond to that except to walk away and attend to my wound and avoid them in the future.

I think my relationship with my wife works so well because we were both social rejects as well as rejects from our birth families. My wife grew up smart, overweight and Jewish around the boston area in the late 60s and early 70s. There was rampant bullying and antisemitism and people were jealous/threatened by her intelligence. She never has healed from those wounds and I'm not sure I will ever fully heal from my own. We need each other financially and emotionally, as well as physicly and the rest. I think some marriges don't work because there isn't a real or perceived need for the other. It's probably not very difficult to divorce someone who isn't filling a basic need that wouldn't be easily filled otherwise. There have been times when I would have divorced her and she would have divorced me had it been super convenient and easy. We have worked hard at our relationship and our hard work is paying off. It was most definatly, not easy for either of us. She also told me, early on, that if I ever laid a finger on her in anger, that was a deal breaker and she would leave, end of story. I've never been a violent person, but I think it was good for both us to have that be a very clear boundry and consequence. Violence can't be tolerated and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I believe any therapist or doctor would agree with me.

I guess my point is, relationships or long term relationships, I don't believe are ever easy and I believe they always require work to maintain good relations without argueing or hurtful words. Arguing can be helpful but there has to be rules like, no name calling or threatening. Disagreements are normal.

I'm sorry about your insurance situation. Some therapists will go on a sliding fee scale for eligable folk. I wouldn't give up trying though. Maybe a church or some other clergy could give you some advice also. Keep trying!

I hope you are well this day and believing that there is a solution to your present problems.

You aren't alone...

A.