I'm working on it. I suspected it for 15 years before I finally realized that whatever it was, it was getting to be a bigger and bigger problem - and it still took nearly a year to get an "official" dx and appropriate treatment.

I keep thinking that I'm making it up, being a hypochondriac, trying to be "special" as if being myself isn't special enough, or maybe I just need to be off all meds (for the first time since I was 13) and see how I really am... My hubby isn't entirely convinced, though he's stopped saying that he really can't see it.

But every month when I tally up all my mood chart data and re-calculate the various stats that I obsessively maintain, I just can't deny it. The data are pretty darn clear. It usually makes me cry, because I'm too much the scientist to ignore the data, even if I don't want to believe it.

It's been harder to accept in part because my last pdoc seemed determined to talk me out of it for the first few sessions, and kept telling me that my very obviously bipolar symptoms were not typical. I had to do my own reading to discover that most of what I thought was normal behavior is actually pretty clearly symptomatic. But I won't get into the rant about that pdoc. Suffice it to say that it really didn't help with acceptance.

I figure it's going to have to take awhile... It's hard enough to get this dx in the first place. Then you get pills poured down your throat like there's no tomorrow (but maybe I don't need any of this?) Then there's the therapy and pdoc appointments, and rising health care costs (but I don't feel sick...) And figuring out whom to tell/how/when/etc, struggling with side effects, and trying to find people who can relate to the struggle (thank you PCers!!!) Plus lifestyle changes; that's what's getting me down right now. I don't really want to give up my vices in exchange for meds, although today's statistical analysis showed that drinking definitely makes my mood worse the next day...