((((Penny))))

Unhappyguy and even others here have good advice. I want to add Penny, me too. I believe you, yes, there is rage that builds up and that can happen from being overwhelmed. Please feel free to come here and do just as you did, release the thoughts behind the rage. You need to let that out, you need to rage out the whys to your rage so you can dig deep and discover where that rage is coming from, its often brought on by a trigger that you may not be aware of. The goal in letting it out here is that if you can find what that trigger is and bring it to the surface, you can then consciously work on it.

I do hope your in therapy because it is very important to bring all the triggers that are locked in the subconsicous that your not consciously aware of to the therapist so you can work them out consciously and process them. Part of the problem with PTSD is that there are subconscious triggers that we are not aware of and what happens is that when that subconscious tigger is hit so come all the emotions, even anger. It is extremely important that you keep track of what comes out. You experienced things in your childhood that you could not deal with, they were upsetting, anger, sadness, fear, confusion. And when that happens in childhood our brains have a way of pushing these events somewhere in the subconscious to allow us to be numb. And these experiences can lay dorment for many years and then something can trigger them to come forward presenting the condition called PTSD. And when that happens we can get very confused and feel like we are falling apart. What you need to know is that as these memories and emotions come forward you can address them and actually bring a resolve to them where you simply could not when these events occured.

This is a very troubling condition, you can feel like your going crazy and because you are in PTSD any new stress can present you with truely feeling overwhelmed. So, that feeling of frustration and confusion and being scatterbrained is very common to people who suffer from PTSD. Just know that you DO have to now take time out to address a lot, and it can't seem possible that this is happening, but it is real and you must know that you can, little by little get to a better state of mental health. But it does take work and understanding what it means and that you do have to address it.

Penny, your not going crazy, you have PTSD, it is treatable, it is very challenging and your going to have to spend some time dealing with emotions and the parts of your past that your brain could not process and now your going to slowly, carefully process it. But, you have to have therapy.

Now, what I do when I am struggling is I often come to PC and read and post using the part of me that CAN problem solve. And what that does is it quiets my brain down into a step by step thinking process. It is almost like a meditation, but it is a thinking meditation, which accesses your normal healthy thinking processing part of your brain.
You do still have that Penny, only that is struggling because of all the subconscious memories and emotions that are coming out that you could not process and just storred.

If you need to vent, and you don't have someone to vent with, come here. Try not to vent to the children, that isn't fair to them and they really don't understand it. If your really struggling try to get as much therapy in as you can and come here too. You can use this thread if you need to and others here that also work on their PTSD can listen and help you reason and sooth as is taking place here.

You have PTSD, it is real and a difficult disorder to understand, but you can work through it, it will, however take time and support. Dont feel bad if you need to come here and vent, no need to appologize, you need to do it, let it out, that is part of the healing.
If you need to cry, then cry here, if your venting, vent, if you stressed come talk, whatever you need, LET IT OUT.

Also, talk about your past as much as you need, I don't care how many times you need to repeat it, because repeating is part of healing. As a matter of fact I talked to my therapist about just that and we discussed how the hypocampus is effected when we face trama. He believes that the repeating is necessary because it uses the hypocampus, thus working it and making it stronger. Trama can shrink the hypocampus and often there is fear in remembering because of how is shrank, but from what I understand the storytelling is important to healing. So dont appologize for talking it out, feeling it and just letting it out. You need to do that to heal.

(((((HUGS)))))

Open Eyes