For several days now I haven't been able to use my phone. Not because there's anything wrong with it, but I'm pretty sure there's someone listening through the mouthpiece even when I'm not using it. I've been covering it with clothing and hiding it in my purse, or when I'm in the car I put on loud music so no one can hear anything, but that doesn't help whenever I have to use the phone so it's making me unbearably anxious every time I have to call someone. I'm afraid I'll slip up and say something I shouldn't say, but I don't know what that "something" is. It's making my insomnia and racing thoughts even worse, and then all last night I kept hearing people talking and what sounded like bird noises in the same room, it kept me up until really late.

Right now I'm looking for my life insurance policy, looking through my belongings to see what I can leave my boyfriend and WHY AM I DOING THIS. I'm not depressed at all, I feel fine, in fact I feel wonderful! Is that even possible? The other day I was just thinking "oh my god I hope this never ends because I had forgotten what joy felt like," and I still feel that way, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. Can't tell if just intrusive thoughts or not, but I know I shouldn't be sorting through my stuff, the last time I did that I made a serious attempt...

I don't know what I should do. I feel like I can't afford to have this going on, I have a ton of concerts to get through this month, and writing, and there's the holidays... it's really worrying me that I'm doing this but I don't have a T to talk to about it, and my care is handled totally through the county hospital until I can get a permanent pdoc. Thinking about this is stressing me out even more.

I'm sorry, I don't know that I should even be writing about this but I need to vent and I can't think where else to put it right now...