I've been looking for a site like this for a while! Hi! I'm natani_girl, and I'm almost 16. Even though I have a general distaste of mankind's tendencies, I thoroughly enjoy talking to people who are decent to me. And, as we know, that does not always mean they have to be sane. So please say hi! I would like to get to know some people!

And now if you please, a little back story. If someone can help explain this to me, please do

I live in a very nice town and my family is well off. I go to one of the best school districts in the country. Even if i feel disconnected and slight irritation from most, I have quite a few friends and a decent social life, even though a lot of people think I'm weird. I've been with a wonderful boyfriend for almost a year and a half, who was my best friend before. I have had some difficulties in my past: my mother cheating with our pastor who was my role-model, followed by conversing with him regularly when he was a bus driver at my school. My dad is an angry person and yells at me and my sisters a lot for our grades, though we do alright in school, which has lead to my sister nearly stabbing him (although that was because she had a phycotic reaction to her ADHD pills). My mother is always stressed out by this and has had weird breakdowns. I was molested by my grandfather almost regularly for a year or so. More recently, my dad got a DWI with a minor and got his license revoked, which means my mom has to drive us everywhere, and my boyfriend has been sick just as long due to a complication with a genetic kidney disorder he has. My family is a little dysfunctional, in more ways than stated, but we do truly love each other.

For about a year now, I've had this intense fix of depression and anxiety. (I took the Depression Test on here and got a 63) Random bouts of sobbing and despair, like the world is going to end, are not uncommon for me. Well, the feeling is more directed towards "The world is horrible and scary and decaying, and my life is just going to be an endless struggle and frustration." I also have a general feeling of not being good enough. Some of it is "I'm not good enough to compensate for the people around me adding their misery to the world." some of it is "I am a burden to the people I love, they would be better off without me." and some of it is "Regardless of your current state, you are only going to get worse from here and ether go insane or become cold and mean."

I have thought a lot of how I would kill myself, even though I know I would never do it because I'm too afraid, and I believe that I will go to hell if I do, which would kind of defeat the point. I have had many nightmares that are either very bloody and involve someone I know getting killed or me getting pregnant and having a kid, which is stressing to me since 1- I have a purity ring 2- I have been molested and 3- I only want one or two kids, if any at all, for lots of phycological reasons.

I go to my school phycologist weekly, but I want to upgrade to a real therapist as soon as I get a job. I don't know if this is normal teen angst, or a normal reaction to the stories I told in the 1st paragraph, but that would almost be relieving, even if a little stab to my ego because I let something that simple go on for so long and so badly. I am concerned because I have a thick family history of mental instability, and I do not even remember being a happy child. Most of my time was spent in silence, ether daydreaming or watching my sister play video games. And I would never forgive myself for any mistake I made.

I apologize for the length of this post, but I really want answers, and I want to be thorough, so someone can help me better. It was also a little way to vent and lay my problems in front of me, even if I didn't say everything I wanted to say due to length concerns. (I have only ever told my boyfriend about my grandpa.) So if anyone has any reactions advice on what could be wrong, please tell me. Thanks, much appreciated!