I've been trying to give to myself. I have this understanding that I must care for my quote, unquote, inner child. And I do.

But biggest issue is that, I'm on happy, all is good streak then stress inevitably comes again. . . And piece by piece, little things aren't going right, I'm not having my little people cooperate, a bill is late, etc, etc and I can be patience. But there is an invisible trigger. . It flips and then I do!

It comes out as yelling and hitting myself over and over. I hate myself when it happens.

Fall and winter are hard. . . I have a lot of instructive memory but am just now reconizing that I'm having flash backs more so now. . I have radiant heat in my ceilings. When it kicks on, it makes the house pop and creek, especially at night. (I'm terrified of the dark to begin with). Sometimes I see a figure in the door way. . . I don't like flashbacks.

Up until I moved back to my home state (I see this now a triggering event to my odd behaviors since I moved back), I have always been diagnosed as depressed then BPD. It wasn't until I was talking to my GP that he first mentioned PTSD (I was never in 'war' didn't think it could apply).

Im thinking I have severe anxiety and tell him, I just hear a noise and it feels like I'm being shot. Every sensing part in my body just 'explodes'. . . I feel like diving for cover. He then asked if I've experienced any trauma. . I think for a sec. . And rattle off casually, as if I'm talking about a third party, that, well. . I used to be awaken to people 'messing' with me, my HS boyfriend used to physically abuse me. Then he says, its PTSD.

I don't know how I feel about defining what problem I have. . But since that talk in 2006, PTSD seems as obvious as the nose on my face.

Prior to moving back, I was married, my ex traveled a lot for business which I super convenient for me because I had been isolating this whole time. I just shut the door to my past and moved around the globe with my ex.

All those years, I kept seeing doctors and shrinks but I always left out the past. I diet. Want to talk about it.

But the moving and his trips always were, in retrospect, enabling me to continue to just ignore the inner turmoil and guilt.

Then I move back home and I begin to come unglued. Just being in this state brought me to have a tsunami of recurrent thoughts and I regressed, for awhile to a child like state. I still worked but I was not good.

I had relationships. . . I keep them out of my children's life for the most part. Which has been a blessing as the kids have not seen anyone abuse me physically.

I know I'm unable to have a heathy relationship. I'm only focused on my relationship with myself, my kids and my employment; that's all that matters.

I'm not yet in therapy again. I tried to go back- my doc made a referral to a shrink that was no longer there. I contacted my insurance to find another. . Haven't yet. .

See, I'm unable to even think about handling the stress of telling my boss I need to take an hour as I'd be letting him down. But they don't have after hour shrinks by my home to accommodate (that take my insurance).

I feel so helpless in finding a emotionally comfortable setting to even begin.

Or, as someone else said, I'm afraid to go.

And I am a little. Its only because I do believe I'm afraid to uncover anything else. There are many spaces of time u can't recall. I can't see the face of the person who would be there in the middle of the night. .

I would wake to have someone actually doing something. . The face was only a few inches from mine. But I can't see it. . I couldn't see it then and I can't see it now. I see the body, the flashlight and the room. . I can't see that.

I know I need theapy.