Well, as an update he actually went to the store with me last night, the grocery store. He hates the store. I mean really hates it. Especially the grocery store. His ADD really makes him impatient also he really hates crowds. I remember once when he first was taking Adderal we went to the store and it was amazing. After he looked at me and said, "I can't believe it. I wasn't irritated or mad or feeling rushed. I actually enjoyed this." But the Adderal stopped working for him very quickly and he hasn't followed up. We have the same insurance, so he has the same issues getting help... but he also doesn't really try that hard. He just self-medicates with red bull, 5 hour energy, and gum. (Yes, chewing gum does increase concentration, go figure...)

I think he is high functioning in some ways but not others. I always wonder if he has agoraphobia or social anxiety but just doesn't admit it. He gets really impatient due to his ADD, especially when I'm struggling. I force myself to be "ok." My mom taught me to fight, she had cancer and fought to her last breath. But I struggle, I cycle pretty rapidly. I'm fine, then I'm not, then I'm worse, then I'm fine... blah... I'm still considered high functioning, though, because I do hold my job even if it is really hard for me.

Anyway, it was good. Even though when we got home he went to his friends stream. But we went to bed early and spent some alone time. I made sure to tell him both last night and the night before that I really was happy he went out with me. And I thanked him for going to the store with me, since I know he hates it. And I said I really like it when he goes with me, and he said "Why?" And I said, because I like being with you. I wonder if he doesn't realize that?

Anyway, I don't know if this is just one of those brief glimmers or if he is starting to come out of it. Or if maybe he is realizing what's happening with me, because I could tell him until I'm blue that I'm not doing well, but until he decides to pay attention he won't realize it. Or, I'm thinking because the baby is only a month away, he's starting to worry about me going into labor when I'm doing errands.

Also, I know it feels like I could disappear and he wouldn't notice, but I know he would. He also has some jealousy issues and abandonment issues and trust issues, thanks to a difficult childhood.