For the past month I've been swinging between feeling like I'm jacked up on something, not being able to concentrate or sleep and being pretty much a ***** to my husband, feeling normal and feeling depressed. I'm having a lot of nights where I go to bed pretty early but lay there awake until 3 or 4 in the morning. Or I wake up 10, 15 times in a night. My mind keeps going a million miles a minute or feels like it's stuck in molasses. Eithier my mouth is going a mile a minute or I just don't want to talk. Other times I'm totally fine. My husband and I knew this could mean that I'm rapid cycling and/or experiencing mixed states. Despite not knowing for sure if our insurance would cover the visit I made an appointment.

Fortunatley, my insurance has been straightened out and my visits will be covered. That's the good news. The bad news is that she told me I am, without question, both rapid cycling and experiencing mixed states. She said that she thinks it started due to lack of sleep. I have a three month old who didn't much more get out of that really new baby stage before he started teething. He sleeps through the night a lot of the time but more and more often he's up until 1, 2, 3 in the morning. I have to be up at 6 to get my oldest off to school. My husband has stayed up with him this past week but, except for one night when I was doped up on Dramamine due to a stomach bug, I didn't sleep worth anything. I either couldn't get to sleep or I kept waking up.

She changed my meds around a bit. I was on 300 mg. Lamictal and 150 mg. slow release Wellbutrin. Today she kept me at 300 mg. Lamictal but changed me to 100 mg. of regular (sudden release) Wellbutrin and added on Ativan. I have to take two 0.5 pills at night and as needed for anxiety. She told me I absolutely must get 6 to 8 hours of sleep each night if I'm to get out of the cycling and mixed states.

I see her in month. She said that if things worsen between now and then or if things have not improved by my next appointment we will have to discuss hospitilization. I desperately do not want to go have to go back to the psych hospital. It's not that it was this horrible place where I was abused. It's just that, well, it's a psych hospital and I don't want to be locked up there away from my husband and kids. It's a hospital period. It's not like people go, "Hey! I want to get admitted to the hospital this weekend! Woot!" Well, some do. But not most people.

I'm telling myself there is every reason to believe that I'll pull out of this once I start sleeping and get started on my meds tonight, especially once I start the Ativan. I'm telling myself that but I'm really scared I'm just kidding myself. My husband has said that he will stay up with the kids all night if he has to if I will just get enough sleep to pull out of this. Let's hope he means that. I feel confident he does but, well, you never know, I guess.