I would maybe find a therapist of your own for awhile to help you with all of this. I was struck with the feeling that you all are overdoing it, all the hours of talking, you are too hyperfocused; it reminded me of your wife's illness and sort of how she might be feeling.

I know when I was in therapy my therapist would often point out how the way I was interacting with her, and how she felt, matched my symptoms; if I was feeling overwhelmed, for example, I would overwhelm her (with words) or if I was confused, I would emit confusion/not be clear so she could understand. It could be that you are just being sensitive to your wife and trying too hard to understand where you have not had any practice or experience.

If you did not have the time, energy, inclination to seek out your own therapist, I would maybe buy a little notebook or sit with your wife with a pad of paper and write down questions and comments? Perhaps that will help both of you focus on the same issues? She can name some ways she would like you to support her and together you can think of the details.

I would not worry too much about explaining your feelings and actions to another. That can be a can of worms and the more the other pushes with "why?" it can start to sound like an inquisition and then you will naturally resist. You do not have to defend yourself to another and they do not have to defend themselves to you.

Think of your original set-up of the whole situation. Your wife was behaving in ways you did not wish to live with; you did not try to change her or argue with her, you suggested, "let's go to therapy" and she said, "No". You then followed through with the consequence of getting a job elsewhere and moving. All of that was straightforward and very good (in my opinion). We cannot change another person but we do not have to want to live with them if they are not healthy for our own selves! You did the best you could with options; let us both go to therapy or I have to leave and then followed through.

Therapy is the same way; you are in therapy because you want help for your wife and you want to be able to live with her. Whether she can live with you, is not an issue here! I think you have forgotten yourself in this round of transactions. You do not have to behave in certain ways for her; you have to behave to suit yourself! If she gives concrete ways in which she feels you are not supporting her, you get to decide if you wish to change your behavior! Having decided that for yourself, you then will have no trouble changing/not changing in those ways! But vague, "you don't want me" statements are her problem; you cannot make another person feel wanted! That is wholly their self-esteem issue.

I am probably going to catch heck for those last two statements but what I am saying is that it is not as if you are directly saying, "I do not want you"; if you or I said that to one another, we would know to move on; if we loved the other, it would be sad, etc. But that is not what is happening, I do not think.

Your wife's/illness is using the situation to try and control you. No matter what, she is in control of what she does with her feelings, how she checks them out to see how correct they are. If she loves/trusts you and you say, "I love you and want to be with you" then where's the problem? If, however, she does not trust you for whatever reason, that is still her responsibility to act in her own best interest.

She cannot change you, cannot decide for you whether or not you love and want to be with her. If she does not trust your words and actions, that is her problem which you cannot solve for her! No number of times saying, "I want you" or any action can make her trust and believe you and saying/doing those actions to reassure when it clearly does not, is letting the other person call the shots/your behavior. You become a puppet saying "I want you" and may start resenting it and eventually may not want anymore because of your resentment.

And some of that is what I am afraid is starting to happen for you. All this talk about the relationship and what she needs is leaving you out and what you want and need. We all are working to run our own, individual lives; some of this appears to be trying to move her forward through your work (listening endlessly, discussing her topics, and you did not sign up for that).

Yes you have a marriage and a marriage requires a lot of give and take but each person has to find their own balance not dependent on the other person's. If my husband is taking, I get to decide when/what/how much giving is appropriate for me, not my husband! When I am taking, my husband can decide to give or not, based on his own criteria, not mine.

I think a lot of marriages get in trouble when we assume too much about our partner. There are no "rules" in marriage; because a wife cooks dinner and has it on the table when the husband comes home does not mean that has to be done that way every day! Because the husband does not remember a wedding anniversary or wife's birthday does not mean he does not love his wife; the problem comes when the wife makes a "rule" of her own (if he loves me he will give me a card) and then thinks it is real/universal.

I think your wife may be doing a bit too much assuming about you and putting any help you might be to make her feel better over her own search for self-esteem and abilities to make herself feel better.