hi all.

this is my first post... i'm in a terrible place..
and i'm drawing blanks on what to do.

i'm 22 male, messed up.
sorry its quite long... so much to say.

first off

Mental disorders
i've got pretty much all the anxiety disorders.
As diagnosed a year and a half ago.
in order of most prevalent {imo}
BDD, OCD, GAD, SAD, PANIC DISORDER, PTSD, DEPRESIVE EPISODE, Bulimia

Treatment
i've had around twenty hour long C.B.T sessions.
i've been on Flueoxetine/Prozac @ 40mg for 6 months when 20 yrs.
and recently Sertraline/Zoloft @ 100mg for 3+months 21/22 yrs

Me
I wasn't diagnosed till i was 20. i had my C.B.Therapy at the morsley hospital in s.london.
i've had BDD, OCD + GAD since i was about 5yrs latest. probably the others too, minus maybe ptsd.
according to my therapist i have an extreme form of BDD which i agree is the main problem.
and we only tackled that in our sessions. : didn't really even brush upon the other diagnosis.
: i've never had any relationships. and sometimes i spend weeks without leaving the house once.


Background
my mum has: OCD, SAD, BDD and undoubtedly ptsd undiagnosed
and Bulimia diagnosed and treated with Fluoxetine a long time ago.

my dad is completely deranged. and largely evil.
his dad was apparently ten times worse; (according to everyone... children, wife, friends
his dad's a subject that causes silence and unease in any situation.

My sister isn't very well mentally either.

------------------
MY DAD + his Disorder

so.. you have normal narcism... something you'll see in almost everyone to some extent. it's a natural phenomena.
then you have Narccisistic Personality Disorder where someones' narcissism gets so out of whack that it defines who they are, what they think / hold up and value. their views on life, how they treat other people, how they relate themselves to other people and if they even realize that other people are doing the same 'exercise' they're doing: trying to live and happily .

Then... you have malignant narccisism.

And that is where i think my dad is.

where you have insight into things really not being quite or at all has you imagined/ invisoned as being.
and the distinction lies in the bitterness and personal exceptance of your part in your faults/downfalls.

But: the key bit is turning this on other people.
not just using people as your buffer against the real world.
it's using people as... almost points to be gained...??
the way i look at it is; balancing the books.
He's unhappy with his lack of .. say: determination, grace, happyness, position in society, age e.t.c
so instead of being jealous and striving to beat the competition as an honest straight forward narcissist would do.
he sabotages the competition truly and thoroughly.
to 'balance' the difference in your quality of life.

and recently... as my dads got older...i can see several key factors in his deterioration into disgraceful 'Malignantness.
he's got infinitely worse. he's now straight up sadistic.
: his mothers got bad dementia and it's getting steadily worse
:He's getting older
:He has no social network other than internet chat forms
:my mums divorced him
: and a few more family things which i'm way too scared to post incase he somehow found this thread and linked it to me.

How it effects me
i don't really know how to talk about this bit... kinda why i gave you the ^ rest of it..
im "shell shocked"
i don't really know if i'm alive or not sometimes.
he's totally invasive, i have no space or room to grow, never have done.
He projects massivley, literally has the 'BIG conversations' he should be having with himself... and years/ decades ago at that; at me.
I become the person that he hates with everything he has..
when caught acting 'nastily' he will give it everything he has, to convince me i'm the one in the wrong; and not only that.....; that i am quite literally him in that instance.
at the same time he claims everything and anything that is truly mine.....:
my personality, intrests, idiosyncracys that are desirable to him or he deems desirable to other people and makes them his.
he even looks at me while he's 'stealing' me.... and gives me a look of
'what you going to do about it'
he's ****ing sick.

^ that's all pretty benign compared to his usual stunts.

every-time i show any sign of happyness he takes that as a personal attack..
on some level..... : THE main level.
and he will straight away make it his soul purpose to destroy my resolve and bring me to that awful place....

if a comedian on the t.v makes a joke.: he takes that as an attack on his ego.
he will instantly turn sour, and; if he's in a 'good' mood try and make a better joke.... several times.
if he's in a bad mood: turn that anger at being bettered into bettering someone else. me.
and it's not just a case of out-humoring.. it's a personal attack.
not something like; " oh well your just stupid.... or your ugly.... "e.t.c
He will find something like my BDD and then start telling a story to make me feel like i'm shallow or a bad person...
or he'll take my one serious passion in life: music.
and make me think that i'm **** at it.
as soon as i start playing music he starts stamping on the floor...
it's too grating to his ego to hear me doing something... -> {when it should be him}


i really haven't conveyed the extent to what he actually is like.
i think it's because i'm still living with him.... + in a vague form of shock.
+ i think he's spying on what i write.
+i'm morally tied to him. (part of the trap i guess)

but this man is truly evil. ^ so much worse than any vague reference above
can convey... : i'm not religous.. i mean evil... as 'those people' who are twisted.


and finally:
whats causing me so much grief at the moment.
is i can see myself going through exactly the same thought processes as him sometimes...

and i have a choice... good or bad. but it's alot harder to do the right thing and abandon the narcissistic ego than it is to conform to your 'instinct'

.. i'm pretty scared i'm going to turn out like my dad.

and frankly all the interpersonal + c.b.t work + life experience i've had will count for **** because i'm wired wrong...
and what with the oh so caring nuture from my dad... i'm geared that way too.

i don't know whether i'm in the classic :shock: thinking your the aggressor.
or i'm actually having insight into myself and future self.

in a pickle.
b



and serious thanks to anyone who read this far.