My boyfriend and I used to be close friends before we became partners. Because of that, he knew all my secrets, including the fact that i had cheated on my previous boyfriend. not realizing that this knowledge would poison our romantic relationship, i naively entered the relationship thinking that the past is the past and it has nothing to do with my current relationship..WRONG! my infidelity to my past boyfriend dictated the whole nature of my current relationship. He took every opportunity to remind me of how i cheated on my ex and he did everything he possibly could to control me so that he could guarantee that I wouldnt do the same to him. And like an idiot!!!! i fell for it. I allowed him to convince me that i was some kind of ***** that needed retribution for her actions. I can't believe i let him do that to me!!1 i cant beleive i allowed myself to feel that way. Im more angry with myself than with him. He says now that he's trying to change,, but every time i get a text on my phone i have to tell him who it's from or risk him becoming paranoid. and even when i do tell him who it is, he asks me if im telling the truth. i was the best girlfriend anyone could possibly ask for. i did everything to prove to him that i wouldnt cheat on him but it was never good enough for him. NOTHING!! NOTHING COULD FIX IT. 4 years later and he's still insecure... and the worst thing, is that after 4 years of being a saint. i finally cheated on him. We broke up. i thought it was over between us and i met someone who made me happy. But my boyfriend and I got back together.. and I'm trying to figure out how to break up with him because although I dont see the other man that made me happy,, i stay in touch with him through phone and text. I FEEL LIKE MY HEAD IS SPINNING. i have a male friend who is in love with me and although i was straight forward with him and told him i was not interested in dating anyone,, he seems to have misunderstood my intentions for him because of the frequency that i speak with him. I feel guilty because I realize that I'm probably giving him mixed signals. And i have another male friend who confessed that he loves me and I know he wants to be with me. I also told him I wasn't interested in being in any kind of relationship.. No one knows I'm with my current boyfriend now because I was too embarrassed to tell anyone we were back together after all the crap that he put me through. But now i have to go back to the city I used to live in and face two guys who i considered really close friends and have to reject them. i have to break up with my boyfriend of 4 years. And the man I actually want to be with - he lives in another country and the likelihood of us living in the same country within the next two to three years is soo slim i might as well forget about him.. But im soo in love with him. I know i sound like im whining over every girl's dream but i just want all this to stop!!! MY MIND IS SPINNING AND I JUST WANT IT TO STOP. I CANT THINK. I CANT BREATHE. IM DROWNING IN ALL KINDS OF GUILT AND SADNESS. GUILT THAT I DONT WANT TO BE WITH MY BOYFRIEND ANYMORE. GUILT THAT I HAVE TO HURT BOTH MY FRIENDS' FEELINGS BY REJECTING THEM AND SADNESS THAT I CANT BE WITH THE MAN I SINCERELY WANT TO BE WITH. AND ON TOP OF THAT. I REALLY WANT TO BE INTIMATE WITH SOMEONE. I THINK MY CURRENT BOYFRIEND IS A SEXUAL AND I'M DESPERATE. I SOUND LIKE SUCH A PATHETIC PERSON, BUT I AM SO OVERWHELMED WITH EVERYTHING AND THE WELLBUTRIN I AM TAKING DOESNT HELP WITH ANY OF THIS! AND MY PSYCHIATRIST RECENTLY TOLD ME THAT I MIGHT BE BIPOLAR AND HAVE ADHD AND I'M CURRENTLY DESPERATELY TRYING TO PASS MY LAW SCHOOL EXAMS WHILE FEUDING WITH MY PARENTS WHO TREAT ME LIKE A CHILD EVEN THOUGH I HAVE A UNIVERSITY DEGREE AND I AM IN LAW SCHOOL NOW AND I HAVENT LIVED WITH THEM IN NEARLY 10 YEARS!!!!!! AND MY BROTHER, HE DRIVES ME CRAZY. I WILL BE STAYING WITH HIM FOR ABOUT A MONTH. I HAVENT EVEN GONE TO STAY WITH HIM YET AND HE'S ALREADY PLACING CONDITIONS ON WHO CAN VISIT AT HIS PLACE AND MAKING PLANS AS TO WHAT HIM AND I WILL BE DOING. okay i really dont mean to sound ungrateful but for once i want to just do whatever i want to and not have to worry about everyone else's feelings. IM SICK OF THIS. IM SICK OF ALL OF THIS. I JUST WANT IT TO STOP!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!! I havent even started my vacation yet and i have all of this anxiety inside me about it. I want to go home and visit my friends but my heart feels tight and i cant breathe because there are so many expectations of me already. i just want everyone to leave me alone. i want all of this to stop. STOP IT STOP STOP IT STOP IT!!!! MY MIND HURTS.