((((Sanada)))),
Why are you here? Well if you mean in this forum, I think that it is great that you decided to talk about your past, you probably needed to do that with others that understand being abused.

What I like about what you have done is you looked at the man behind the abuse.
And you mentioned he had PTSD, some men who have it get " white outs" which is such a huge rage that they can be violent and then afterwards not remember all they did while they were lashing out in the rage. And alcohol can make it worse, alcohol aggrivates PTSD even though it may seem to ease the symptoms, it really makes it worse.

I was the youngest too Sanada and I saw terrible fights between my brother and father and I knew there was something wrong with my brother, but I really feared him. I can relate to the hiding and not wanting to come out, being afraid. I have a rage button in me too. But I don't want to hurt anyone, I take it into myself which is not good. I am not good at fighting and I trigger if I see men fighting and I can see there are reasons not recognized in triggers and they should not be fighting.

I have a lot of empathy in me for others and I wonder if I was born that way or just saw my brother abused so much that even though I was afraid of him I did feel so sorry for him as I mentioned.

It is good to recognize that yes you had a very difficult childhood but it wasn't due to any lack in you, your father was mentally ill and with all those injuries he suffered, cant blame him for his PTSD.

Will this past effect you later in life, maybe, but you are seeing the story behind your father so that can take away the power of the monster because you have learned and can still learn there was reason.

I am glad you shared your story Sanada, it helps me understand you better. I think you are trying very hard to get back into life after a set back, I hope you continue to make all efforts to continue to invest in yourself.

Open Eyes