Thank you open eyes. You are right, I am trying to put into perspective my history. I am very afraid of violence, I'll watch really bad 'vengence' films. I read about revenge and try to place into the scope my own experiences.
It does not help really, in fact it makes things worse. I see what I try to be, I'll absorb the violence in the story and then think about my own revenge. Its not just my past, it's my life I lead right now, the people around me are not people I want as friends. All my true friends are gone or have died (young).

The only thing I hold onto now is the best news I have had in all this year - I recieved my loans for my passport and getting in to Europe (I am gonna go see old friends in Paris and Marssile, the south of france). I cannot wait to be away form here - the UK.
It feels like dying here, slowly. I can feel it.

The good thing is that where ever I am, I will have my laptop and PC to come to. Where ever I am on the Planet, I will have my friends and PC to still talk to.

Thank you open eyes.