Hi Cocoapops123,

I can relate to much of your story. My abuse took place much earlier in life, but my habits as a teenager and young adult were very similar to yours. I, too, was part of a great crowd, and enjoyed the parties, etc. I loved experimenting with drugs, with my favorites being mushrooms, lsd, and cocaine. I also loved to drink and party. I don't have a tragic end to this part of my life-I just grew older and away from this lifestyle. I was very intrigued with the free-living life of the hippies and their drug use, although I had missed it by a decade. I loved living as a free spirit in college and the immediate years after!

As for being "alone", you have described perfectly how I have felt much of my life. I am thirty years older than you, and I can tell you where I am now, not to suggest that your life will in any way resemble mine years down the road, but just for information. I have been treated for severe depression for the last 10 years, and more than likely have had depression all of my life. I now have a husband and four children, and I am also dealing with my children's mental issues. In therapy, I am in the process of coming to terms with abuse and a rape attempt from my childhood years, as well as growing up with alcoholic, divorced parents. I also experienced many years of neglect because my parents were big partiers. Overall now, I am okay and most days I feel pretty good in my world.

It sounds like currently you are confused about your relationships. Maybe you aren't ready yet or haven't found the right person for an emotional, deep relationship but that doesn't mean that it won't happen. As for who you have a relationship with, male or female, I personally don't feel that part matters, but that's just me. I think we owe ourselves happiness with whomever we can find it.

Good luck in your journey!

Bluemountains