Okay, so finally gettin' to reply to Secretum's long thoughtful post (I love long, thoughtful posts!).


If everything in the world is wrong, and death is better than life, and destruction is the first step to a new creation (presumably one in which none of us will exist), then I do not think you or anyone could be a "spoiled, ungrateful brat". No one owes gratitude to a world like that. Despair, anger, and whining make complete sense in such a context; if the world is such a horrible place, then we are the most cursed of all beings to be chosen to live in it.

I still view myself as having it better off than others... being born in the free world with all the opportunities and yadda yadda. I just want to be able to realistically appreciate it. Could be worse. Much much worse.

I often come to similar conclusions about the world when I'm depressed, but I do not enjoy it at all. If that is truth, then ignorance is the most precious bliss. Let me drown in it. When I feel that the world is nothing but a purposeless hell, and that non-existence is better than existence, I become really sui for obvious reasons.

Maybe it is not purposeless. Maybe - and I say this as believer in reincarnation - we are to learn and grow. And after all, the modern world despite all its alleniation and dehumanization is overall a good place. If only we could still be aware of our roots despite all the modern trinkets! Maybe feeling allieniated and realizing it is what is... instead of trying to cure yourself to be "normal" (normal. Give me a break. Normal are the people on Wall Street. Normal people invented the a-bomb...), one can try to do tiny bit of change... or speak up, because others feel the same....


I do, however, enjoy some aspects of depression. When I was young, it did open my eyes a bit. By forcing me to isolate myself, depression let me see my environment in a new light. Back then, this sort of experience was deeply calming to me. I can relate to Resident Bipolar; unfortunately, my depressions aren't like that any more. Now I just feel like crap.

I wonder how does one... prevent this from happening? How one keeps the happy depressions? Isn't it bit clinging to pathology? But if I was to feel bad about feeling miserable... not sure if that is what I want to pursue.... *sight*


(...)

Some of the conclusions I have come to are hard for most people to relate to, so I don't share them. I don't believe in free will, at all. People are objects, not forces. I truly am nothing more than my consciousness in this moment. The universe is infinitely dimensioned, and everything is true given the proper context. Sometimes I wonder if these beliefs alone are enough to win me my "crazy" title, but I can explain logically how I came to each conclusion.

I guess we differ here. We still can chose... even though many times it is like running in a labyrinth. But we can chose how to fight back, when it give up (surrender is sometimes the bravest and smartest choice to make), where to turn.... of course, sometimes we are helpless in this world and often it is not fair. We can still make the best of what we got.


I know that this is getting very long, but I have just a few more comments. The "cancer is pure pathology" idea seems good on the surface, and I almost accepted it. But then the biologist in me began to scream things about evolution and development. Cancer cells are so successful at establishing body-wide empires because they are extremely fast dividing, and they have disabled genetic programs that otherwise would have caused them to die. A fast growth rate benefits colonies of one-celled organisms like paramecium (whose DNA we have partially inherited) and it is important for early development. Not every aspect of cancer is abnormal; it's pathology stems from the fact that it is placed in the wrong context. Kind of like moods in mood disorders; mood is a good and useful thing when it is in tune with the environment, but when mood gets really depressed or elevated for no reason, it is pathological and life threatening.


I just used the analogy because we often see quite extreme position when it comes to "treating" mood disorders. When i see people asking "why I am sad when I am on meds" when they are in an objectivelly bad situation, I wanna shake 'em. Treatment of our condition does not mean we never ever ever feel sad, or even depressed again.... but it should be learning how to and be able to more effectivelly handle situation life brings without breaking down...