I am usually awed by Perna's brilliance, but I think she may have missed the boat on this one? I recognized myself in your life story, not to those extremes in some areas (i'm an excellent driver, as Rainman said!), but to much worse extremes in other areas (too ashamed to even admit). How brilliant a little girl were you to do the grocery shopping math in your head?! I have had to work SO HARD to combat my self-sabotage. I became afraid to move because I knew anything I did would have unforeseen dire consequences. Not. exaggerating. It seems trite or something to say, well, your parents obviously didn't encourage you, or recognize your accomplishments. Duh, huh? And it doesn't sound like you had that "one special adult" in your life who made all the difference, Hallmark moment, NOT! 30 is still WAY young enough to pull it together. You do have tremendous insight into what is going on, more than many of my T's ever did (or that they were able to share with me!). I think you need to heal this past, to learn calm, to put the word deserve (good things) in your vocabulary - that is what I am doing with my current T, learning joy, getting reparented, learning I am not a burden, a bundle of anxiety. I am very hopeful for you.