Hey Unmasked....

I think your question brings up a few things...first would be the stigma that we PURPOSEFULLY manipulate and lie to get something we want or "play" mind games. I was recently told that we are just like anyone else in the world in that when we have strong emotional responses because our minds tell us that there is great danger/fear/trouble that we tend to react strongly. Our minds and hearts tell us this a lot more than other people's do. So we react more strongly than most people do and react longer than most others do. This can be mitigated and we can learn to balance our reactions over time and learn to take a step back and evaluate our responses better. We are just trying to find our way the best way we can and until we learn better tools and ways to balance our emotions, I don't think we are "evily" manipulating people, we are just trying to get people to help us or to soothe the raging hurt inside of us.

Secondly, your question talks about idealization. I know when I have idealized someone, it has not been intentional, but over time, when I saw that it was not in line with reality, I have been able to put it more in perspective. Also, I have been lucky to have had it happen with people that were well grounded that did not let it go to their head and were able to help me see themselves more clearly. In one case, I even put my T in a glass box in order to keep him at a distance and idealized him to make him less "real" to me so that he would not get close to me. When I was ready, I even told him that I was letting him out. Then came a period of emotional instability where I was far TOO vulnerable. So I can definitely shift like a pendulum. But the more that I am aware of it, the more I can TRY to find a balance and watch for the counter-swings and look for that middle ground. In your other question, I think this is also why it is extremely important for you to look for T's with good professional boundaries. It made it very easy for me to resolve some of my swings when he was always so consistent and caring and professional.

That idealization is also what makes us so hot for new relationships and then cold when we realize they are not what we had made them out to be. I've gone the opposite way and refrained from them to avoid it all together which is also NOT healthy. Again, looking for that middle ground all the time. I think that idealization is also what causes some of us to lose ourselves in relationships because we "think" they are so much better than ourselves, and we tend to want to change to be more like them. In reality, they are not...It just that idealization or pedestal we put them on.

I hope this answer hasn't been too long. I'm just feeling my way along in this stuff too. I wish you only the best.

Wysteria Blue