I know exactly the kind of situation you are describing. I would all into the same cycle, but with self-harm. It was horrible. I didn't want a counselor because I knew what was happening and why already. I thought, "If I could just CONTROL myself, I would stop acting this way and be okay." But sharing the cycle with someone else (and I enacted it and shared it a lot!) made it possible for me to recognize the pattern in the moment. After I got used to recognizing it, I could begin changing my behavior and do something different.

cc88, I know you are hurting. Do you know that? You are hurting badly, that's why you're not sleeping and that's why you're drinking and that's why you are ashamed of what you did, when you did the very best you could in the moment. There is hope for healing out there, healing past where you are now. Keep reaching out.