I have been living my life lately behind one of my many masks, but I thought its time to put my masks away …. So here goes..
At school I was bullied by a few kids, it got that bad that I used to leave for school as normal but just not arrive there.
My life never got any better after leaving school, I had a number of part time jobs but as I never took any exams I wasn’t qualified at anything,
By the age of 18 I had got married and got a son , a couple of years later my wife gave birth to my daugther , but I found it hard to keep a job long , so providing for my family ( wife , 2 step daughters , my son and my daughter )was hard.
We had many a happy year with me finding the odd job here and there , but as the children got older so did the bills, then I found a job in a theme park which was ok
( I didn’t like the job from day one , but it was money)
Then last year it all started to fall apart, in March 2005 we had taken the children out for a walk in the countryside when I had an attack of pleurisy, I was rushed to hospital as I was finding it hard to catch my breath, I felt at this time that I was going to die.
But I survived and only spent one night in hospital, but being down there I felt so alone, I think that is when I started to wear my masks.
About 3 or 4 weeks later I was back in hospital again after another attack, this really scared me as they said I might have had a collapsed lung, but after they had done there tests and they came back negative, I was relieved
I spent another night in hospital , but this time after I was released I found that I was arguing most of the time with my wife.
Then in June 2005 I left my wife and children and moved back up my mothers.
I started a relationship with a woman who was a friend of my wife and me, I didn’t even think of how much this would hurt my wife and my children, all I saw was that I was happy , well I thought I was…

I had hurt my wife so bad that one day I was in work and I received a text message from my wife saying “ look after the children “ this puzzled me , so I got some time off work and went to see her ,but when I got there the kids were on there own.

I had been out looking for her on my bike, but I couldn’t find her until I had a idea ‘where would be the last place I would look ‘, I turned into a out of the way car park and there was her car, I tried to get her to open the door but she wouldn’t so I called the ambulance and the police and I waited….. When the ambulance arrived she wouldn’t open the door to them either, so I put my helmet through the window, My wife had gone off and had taken some tablets and tried to cut herself. it was very hard for me to speak to her after that.

The relationship ended about 2 months later, when I was in work and I received a text message saying it was over, I felt I had thrown my whole life away, I had lost my wife, my children and now this woman had had enough of me, I felt I had nothing worth living for, so I tried to OD in work.
It nearly worked apart from a work mate getting help; I was rushed to hospital, where they said I was 30 minutes away from death.
I felt stupid when I came to and my wife was there at my bedside, I couldn’t understand after all I had done to her she was still there for me.
When I was finally allowed out of hospital it took a while for my wife and I to get together and try to work things out, but all the time there was this thing in my head telling me that life wasn’t worth living and I started to plan my second attempt
I was living my life as well as I could but every now and then my mask would slip and I would go very quiet and shut myself off to my family and friends,

The date for my plan was new years eve ,but my wife was working and I was spending the evening with the children , it was so lovely that I couldn’t do it , I had to wait …..I waited one day.
But as soon as I had taken the OD I thought about the children and my wife who had been there for me and had never judged me.
I started to think’ what have I done’ but it was to late, I told my wife what I had done after she had found the empty pots, again I was rushed to the hospital but this time I was very sick and very scared, I had made a big mistake and I didn’t know how it was going to turn out, I pulled through and they let me out,
To this very day I still find it hard to cope with things but with the help of my doctor, my CPN and my support worker I think im getting better.
My wife and I are getting on better, even though money is still tight and we are losing our house we are strong together. And a move away from the area is just what the doctor ordered

What a difference a year makes