Okay. Here I go.

First of, let me say I'm not a dangerous or mean person. I really almost never hurt other people, and I really don't want to.

Please be respectful when you reply to me... maybe some things I will say can be a little shocking, I don't really know... they are kind of shocking to I guess.

I don't really know where to start... I've never really told anyone about this. I think this will be kind of hard to do for me, but I think I have to do this, as I hate to be alone in this forever, and I don't want things to get out of control. Also, I'm 15 now. Another thing: this story is kind of weird... it's weird to me too.

When I was younger, I don't know how young exactly, I had kind of unusual sexual fantasies. I think I was 6/7/8/9... I don't really remember. I used to think about them while laying in bed before I was going to sleep. I probably had fetishes, although that isn't really the right word to use, since that would be the correct term if those were the only things that arouse me.. and that's not true, although that could be the case back then. Could be more things I fantasized about... SM maybe too, I just don't remember it that well.

Things I fantasized about, and this is a really hard part to type out for me, is people wearing diapers, people wearing clothes in weird ways, and people that got messy... Please don't think I'm a sick person or something. If I could change it, I would, although it didn't really harm anyone.

When I got a little older, I think I was 9 or 10, maybe 11, I searched on the internet for people that got messy. I don't know if that was because of fetish, or just because of normal interest in that. It just happened. I mainly looked on youtube for that, and there were a lot of fetish videos about that there too. In the beginning, I looked at those too, but later on, they scared me, and thought they were weird, so I stopped doing that. After that point, I mostly watched videos of game shows in which people got messy... sometimes they were my age, sometimes they were younger, sometimes they were older... it differed. I think over some time, I didn't have a fetish for it anymore. I can remember that I noticed I felt different about it then before.

When I was 14, at the beginning of this year, I stopped looking at those videos. The year before that, I didn't watch them that much... once in a couple of weeks, maybe. But I decided to just stop watching them, as the people who watched them to, regularly scared me, with creepy comments on videos etc.

Only recently I started to realize that the fantasies I had when I was younger weren't normal, and that I could have had a fetish. It kind of shocked me.

Sometimes, I dream about it. In some of the dreams, I start watching those videos again. In others, I get messy myself, and in those dreams, I get aroused by that. I don't know if the arousal is part of the dream and fake, or if I really get aroused. I think it's the first thing... I don't get aroused if I think about those things when I'm awake.

In may of this year, I got OCD. The theme I had then, was that I feared that I could be a pedophile. I've also had other OCD themes since then, like being gay. Just to make things clear: I'm not a pedophile... I'm really only attracted to people my age. I've had some crushes on boys and girls my age (I'm bisexual...), and those were before I feared I could be a pedophile. The thought of having sex with children is also really disgusting to me, and I would never want to do that. The thought of sex with people my age arouses me, however.

A thing that bugs me is that maybe I got aroused by children when I watched those videos??? If so, I wouldn't be aroused because they were children, but because of the fetish, but it's still really disgusting to me if I did. I don't know if that happened... when it really was a fetish, I was really young myself too.

When I have the dreams about it, I wake up really scared and feel really wrong. Is there anything I can do about them?

Did I do anything wrong? Do I need to get help? Am I a bad person? Will this affect the rest of my life badly?

I think I will stop here for now... please be nice if you respond. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just really had to tell this somewhere on some moment. I'm scared about how the replies will be... it will be kind of hard for me to click this thread tomorrow.

Okay, that was all I really had to say for now.