...since i've been on here.

Generally that'd be a good sign, but not really. I havent got any better at all. In fact, if anything, I'm worse.

Humm, where do I start?
My biggest worry/problem perhaps?

Okay, so back in August time, I was away. While I was away, someone drugged me and had sex with me. I shall from now on refer to this as "The Act".
Well, the act happened when I was menstruating (sorry if tmi, but seems relevant since it's to do wit cycles and ovulation and stuff) and I took emergency contraception on the 3rd and final day that I could've.
Just over a week ago, I did a pregnancy test which came out as negative.
But I still dont feel any less scared about whether or not I'm pregnant.
I keep thinking that if i get another test and do that it'll help put my mind at ease, but i said that before the previous test and obviously it didnt actually help.
I really dont know what to do about it. I can't go to see a doctor or anything, because I just cant. But then I cant have a child. I'm too selfish, young, unprepared, unhappy.
I look at other people my age who are pregnant and think, "Okay, perhaps it's a bit early for them to have kids, but i suppose it's not too bad". But it feels different when thinking about me, because if I am pregnant, it's because of the act not an actual relationship.

And the fact is, I can't talk to anyone about it really. The guy who helped me through the beginning has stopped talking to me. I tried twice to start up conversations with him, but he makes excuses to not reply.
It's a hard thing to actually bring up with anyone else too. Two girls at work were talking about things like the act, and how they'd react...stuff like that makes me feel really nervous. (no, they dont know about what happened, they were talking about acts in general)

I got in trouble at work today for not smiling. I work in a shop. But I was doing all that i could to keep myself from crying. Sometimes pretending is just too hard.

And then whats even worse is when people pretend to care about you and how youre feeling. I know theyre only trying to be polite, but it only makes you feel worse.

Ack, i'm so tired of life and the sh*te that goes with it.

Sometimes I just want to sleep and never wake up. Sleep is easy once youre in it...getting in it is a bit more difficult though.

But let's try anyway. If you have any advice for me I'd really like to hear it because my ability to cope with everything without self harm or worse is slipping quickly.

Hope you're all okay. xxxxx