Today is my husband's birthday.

Tomorrow is the 19 year anniversary of my mom's death.

Previously, the 4th of December and the joy of the birthday of the man I love removed the pain of the 5th of December.

Today, I am alone. Things have been weird in my relationship for a few months now, but today I think I realize something that hurts and makes sense. My husband doesn't enjoy spending time with me anymore. I don't make him happy anymore.

I've learned this because he wanted to spend today like he's spent the majority of everyday of the past few months: watching streams, streaming, and hanging out with his online Skype friends. He was even hanging out with the girl that he had a picture of her in her underwear a while back. I won't get into that.... I've gone through it too many times.

He made it very clear he didn't want me around him today. I would go in and he would just get that annoyed and frustrated tone. He didn't want to go to dinner, so we had it in. He sat alone... well, not alone, with his Skype friends. He wanted to put up the tree today... which he had me do with the kids but without him.

And now I sit here listening to him laugh and have fun with those people, knowing that I"m not invited or watned. And I realize, he doesn't like spending time with me. He doesn't enjoy my company. Of course he's having fun with them.... to him, I'm not fun....

So, this is what I need to accept. I don't want my marriage to end. I won't let go because I can't. I love him too much to let go. So I will wait and see if he lets go or he just drags me along. I will continue trying to be fun and interesting, like I always do. At least now I understand...