19 years sounds like a long time to still be marking anniversaries. This is going to sound odd, but I got it from Raja Yoga. The point is that you are not just the physical product of your parents. You also have emotional and mental aspects from both of them, whether they were around or not. Their goals and dreams are also part of who you are today, and you can find their good qualities within you in a way that you can rely on for strength and support. This isn't just theory for me. I never really liked my parents very much, and it bothered me to find myself increasingly becoming like them. I decided to accept the good qualities and learn from the bad ones to move beyond them. It can be done, and if you do it you will not need to have their physical presence in your life.

The thing about being fun to be around is that you have to first be genuinely having fun by yourself. When you feel genuinely good you are going to be much more pleasant to be around.

The most important thing, though, is that you do not have to change. All the good qualities you could ever want are already part of who you are. It can be difficult to recognize them, but when you do, other people will start to see them. Seeing your good qualities has to start with you; most people want other people to find their good first so they can find it in themselves second, but it doesn't work that way.

Whatever you do, don't force yourself to do anything. Trying to be fun and interesting on the outside, while grieving on the inside, can send mixed signals. It is better to go ahead and warn your husband what you are going to do, and then fully go into the grieving process without trying in any way to avoid feeling everything. Trying to force yourself to get over it just means that next year you will have to face your loss again.

I hope other people here have something more helpful to say ... it can be difficult for me to have things come across the way I mean them.