I've been having a hard time for a while now.

If people have sorta followed my other random posts, you'll know I saw another T (ET) for a few months to manage before I could get back to my regular T. ET still has contact with us - but it's been painful. She can seem really distant, cold, uncaring.

T and I recently had an epiphany. T has some interactions with ET and has known her over a decade ago. T has always thought ET was kind of... narcissistic, and a harsh person. Whenever I would talk of ET being warm, soothing, and loving, T kind of thought "yeah right".

Well in this epiphany, we discovered ET's therapist persona IS loving, warm, soothing, etc, etc. But outside of therapy, she isn't, unless I'm in crisis or severely escalated. Then something kicks in, and she is warm again. But typically, she is not. This has caused me to slam again and again and again into harshness. It makes me melt down and feel horrible. It made me feel abandoned, hated, furious. It's been very, very painful.

I'm in love with the therapist persona of ET. That is the part I fell in love with because that's how I met ET. But, "who she is", I am not so much. I feel bringing this up would only make ET angry, more harsh, etc. Then I feel guilty - how can I beg and plead ET accept all of me, the angry, demanding, loving, tearful, passionate, poetic, etc, etc in me, when I cannot do the same for her?

Oh what to do... I don't know, I don't know, I don't know! I didn't think a T COULD be so VASTLY different outside of the therapy role. I really, really didn't. I'm baffled. Now what to do with this knowledge.