I so understand where you might be right now. For me, when I was first diagnosed, I just couldn't believe it. I went way out of my way to try to prove that I didn't have it, even to the point that thinking the whole diagnosis was made-up or a ridiculous fantasy thing. I didn't have any memory of abuse and I thought my relationships with people (the very people who abused me) were just fine. I even defended them, even when they were doing things that were very much abusive. Sure I got suicidal after contact with these people, but that was normal for me and I didn't (or couldn't) make the connection.

I used to think people were tricking me. I thought that people purposely said things that I did or said, etc to just be mean. I went around with a lot of hurt feelings, and feeling scared because of it.

And when I had my children, I knew I had to protect them, but I didn't know what I needed to protect them from. So I protected them from strangers and "bad" movies and "bad" language and teasing, etc etc, and because I didn't have awareness, I did not protect them from what or who I needed to.

I wish so much that I had been diagnosed earlier in life. I often wonder what a difference that might have made in my life. But on the other hand, I think things happen when it's time so maybe I wouldn't have been ready then.

I agree that this is a hard diagnosis to accept and sometimes to even understand. Even now, it's still sometimes hard for me to accept and understand.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way but I believe that it's a normal step to the whole process. We cannot change or heal if we do not have awareness. And I personally think denial is a huge part of becoming aware.

The brain is an amazing organ. With this disorder, the brain is what saved me from dying as a child. It helped me adapt to stuff that should have killed me. When the child is put through stuff that it just cannot handle, the brain does what it needs to, in order to survive.

You are a survivor, no matter what is going on. Please be gentle with yourself during this time and just give yourself the time you need. It's really okay if you don't accept right now. We all go at our own pace, no matter what we are dealing with. And awareness and knowledge comes when it's time and not a moment sooner.

During the early part of my therapy, I quit therapy every week, but I made the decision to go even when I quit. And that has made such a difference for me. I hope you have or will find a good therapist to help you through this time.

No matter what goes on for you, please know that we are here to support you and want the best for you. We are glad you are here and hope you will find a good support home here.

Take gentle care,
wanttoheal